...if you've ever had a goldfish. This may seem like an odd thing to ask but there is a background to the question. After Howard passed I started really paying attention to the questions people ask and the statements made regarding his passing. Most were so lovely and caring and although "I'm sorry for your loss" became a trigger to me wanting to pop someone in the noggin...I didn't. I simply stated, he isn't lost, we weren't at the mall and can't find each other.  He knows where he is and I know he is still in my heart, and thank you.

I know it is largely because we don't know what to say so I thought I would bring a little bit of honesty, perhaps a bit bold, conversation to the subject. I realize that I deal with the subject on a daily basis in my work and over the last year, in my life, so I may have a different approach to the subject, but hear me out because when there is acceptance to this process, I do believe we will all live thoroughly before WE croak.

So, regarding the goldfish comment. I had someone say to me "I can't believe your husband passed. He was so young." Yes, relatively speaking, he was, but my first thought was, "Have you ever had a goldfish?" My point: Everything croaks. EVERYTHING. Even the single cell organism is going to fade off into the sunset at some point. Hey, we should be grateful, some insects are only here for a day and must do it all in 24 hours. There is a great book called Everyone Poops. Perhaps we should have a book that is titled Everything Croaks. (Croak is the word often used by those who have communicated with me after they passed. There is no death. Transfer of energy, sure, but no death so I won't use that term.)

Another statement I hear a lot is "was he sick?" Well, yes, he was. For three years before he croaked but how is that relevant? Because we had some sort of flag telling us that his time could be up at any point? Well, technically we did because I had a preview of his passing but We ALL have that flag. It's called being born. From the moment you are born there is a process to returning to the other side. There just is. No special formula. No one gets away from this. Some may be here longer, as to whatever their soul contract is, and some may not. It's not preferential treatment if someone is here until they are 106...that is their soul contract. A contract each of us agrees to and at some point I really hope we begin to high five those that cross before we do for they completed what they came to do.

What I came to realize in those three years was we had to live with the knowledge that he could go at any moment. I am grateful for that because it brought honesty, humor and lots of conversations about him stalking me from the other side. It also created an opening for the "what do you want, Howard?" dialogue so when it was time, I knew for certain without any question what his wishes were. That alleviated a lot of pressure knowing he made those decisions before any emergency situation. It made for some tense moments with his mother, but eh, I'm tough, I could take it...because honoring him was more important than if someone blamed me.

Now, I will be honest, I didn't have a clear knowing of how hard this after process really is. My parents had passed but I was so stressed with life when Mom did, I don't believe I processed it until much later and Dad and my relationship was distant at best. I loved him and know he loved me but beyond that, there wasn't much I was grieving. I was so relieved for him that he didn't have Alzheimer's anymore, I focused on that instead of a supposed loss in my life.

After experiencing three passings in ten months, I got a real good taste for this grieving thing. One thing I've learned is it can creep up on you and hit you when you least expect it; and that's ok. I was taking a spin class one night and a song came on that opened the flood gates. At first I was just trying to get out of the room but I knew I wasn't going to stop the tears, especially since I had two good friends in the class and the compassion in their eyes added to the tears. I have the best girlfriends ever. Anyway, I exploded. Tears, snot, heaving sobs. It was very pretty. My next thought was a bit of embarrassment but by the time I left the bathroom, still weeping, I said, "you know what? I am not going to pretend I'm not hurting. I am going to bring a bit of honesty to this process and let people see when I'm upset and if it bothers them, they will need to get over it." So, I explained to the crew that wasn't sure if I sprained something why I was crying and got the best, albeit sweaty, hugs I've ever had. Some of these sweaty people I had just met that night. Honesty brings compassion.

We have to be willing to allow the feelings to come up and out. If we don't, we will be creating issues in our own tissues. I'll admit, I can be a pretty stoic person but that is because I hurt so bad when others hurt that I learned to sort of bottle it. Well, this process has uncorked that and I am actually grateful. Hey, I started crying one time in the store because I automatically reached for the tea Howard liked but I didn't. I didn't need to buy it but some muscle memory had me reaching for it and then the smack in the heart when I realized I didn't need it. One never knows what will open it, but be grateful it is open for a closed heart is a very sad thing.

While it is true everything expires physically, those that are here after the person passes will have to do their process. Let's have some compassion and patience for that.

Often I have heard, call me when you need to talk or are crying. Well, no, that is not going to happen. At least for me it won't. See above accounting of how I cry. It ain't pretty and I can't dial the phone at the time. I have to collapse, let it all out and then get back up again. I have to. I promised him. So, when you have someone in your life going through this, please don't expect them to be the ones to call. They may not be able to and that is ok because whatever they are going through is not about you and your desire to help. It may just be about them trying to stand up that day and make it through the day.

Finally, I know everyone really does mean well and to the person who said she understood because her pet passed and that was traumatic...I am sure it was and I'm sorry that happened. See? Growth...I didn't punch her! I am not a violent person but sometimes when finding a balance between understanding the souls process and honoring those who have crossed and dealing with my own humanness, I dream a little dream.

May I offer a statement that some of my fellow friends who have walked this path themselves and I have seen walk it this year agree on? When appropriate, like in the receiving line or grocery store or wherever you happen to meet up after the goldfish, pet, spouse, child, parent, partner, etc passes offer up a "Well, this sucks" or the equivalent in your own language. Get honest. Be willing to be so bold as to say " I have no words and that is ok." Let's change it from "sorry for your loss" to the honesty of everyone passes and this is what happened and I acknowledge it stinks. I promise you, the person is going to be oh, so thankful you were authentic and didn't give a platitude and you will feel good because, well, honesty feels good.

I truly believe when we look this whole expiration process openly, we will begin to live lives that are fulfilling, honoring and accepting of the idea we all croak. We will then see that every day really is a gift and perhaps fill it with love, humor and an occasional threat of stalking once we've crossed. Perhaps that is one of the reasons I have gone through it now, to bring the open conversation idea with very little editing on my part. I'll understand if we need to part ways because my honesty may be too difficult to read and I'll wish you well. I won't, however, pretend anymore that whomever is lucky enough to pass has been jipped of a life or that their passing is somehow permission for us to be continuous sad sacks (I learned this term this month and ironically, it makes me giggle to say it. Healing comes in many ways.).

Please stretch yourself and see the gift in the life process. Be honest about your emotions, let them flow, and move on. Your loved one did and isn't that amazing?

No edit button anymore and I am liking it,
Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

The next journey in the book is where you will start to use the information learned previously. This chapter on not naming, blaming or claiming is a bit like a walk through a Dr. Seuss book in that it rhymes but stick with me and see how that can help you be aware of where you are in your process.

When I find myself doing any of the aforementioned, I apply my awareness brakes and take a look at what is going on inside. Sometimes it takes a bit to get moving again but being willing to stop mid process means I don't have to slam it in reverse and re walk road already traveled. I hope you enjoy it.

Don't name it, blame it or claim it. This is one of my favorite sayings as it puts it so clearly what not to do and sometimes we have to know what not to do in order to figure out what to do. One of my favorite quotes from Esther Hicks and Abraham is “often we know what we don’t want to help us figure out what we do want.” It is simply brilliant in its simplicity and its message that if you can’t figure out what you want, you most always know what you don’t want. How do you know? Well, humans complain. It is an innate talent that is one of our least great achievements as beings on this planet. We would be hard pressed to find another creature that will complain when something happens to their habitat. One that wants to blame everyone for their misfortune or wants to talk about it endlessly in an effort to name whatever the inconvenience was. We are special aren’t we? No, really, we are but we could use that specialness to enhance our life rather than take away from it I believe. Humans are always saying how we are the more evolved species, isn’t it time we show that by paying attention to those lesser species and learning how to be with whatever is happening? (Yes, I am being facetious here, we can learn A LOT from other species when we pay attention.)

The clearest indication to me when someone is caught in the name, blame, claim game is the excuses that come out of a conversation. It seems to be a group effort, no blaming without the excuse cousin.  It is nice that the excuses and nbc (name, blame, claim) get along, but not very serving of our individual selves. Excuses are the brake pedal in life. If inspiration and growth are the gas than why would you want to drive with the gas and the brake on? It would create a great circular pattern no doubt and perhaps you are familiar with this pattern but is it serving you?

So can you ask yourself, where are you  living with  excuses? This isn’t to point out where you may be procrastinating, this is to help you understand where you aren’t being honest with yourself, which is equivalent to the jake brake in trucks, you know that rattling sound when they have to slow down fast? Yeah, that is your excuseometer. Is it rattling, squeaking, grinding in any way? If it is, this is where you see the mechanic to fix it.

What excuse do you hear yourself use the most? Mine is not enough time. Now, I know that isn’t true as time is relative and while I am very busy, I always find the time and meet my goals so there is a big ole hole in my excuse than isn’t there? So, what is yours? I shared mine, go for it, name it. (Yes, there is a trick in this chapter as we shift from brake to gas but go with me here.)

Now that you have named it, breathe. Allow yourself to accept it so we can move forward.

Ok, ready? Good, now ask yourself,

• What am I receiving from this excuse?
• How is it benefiting me? Following my example, not enough time, or too busy, the benefit I can receive is a feeling of self pity, self promotion or even a reason to not do other things. Sometimes it’s not pretty to look at your own stuff, but it ALWAYS feels better afterwards.
• So, what are you receiving from the excuse? What is your pay off?
• Now, what is the action you can take to move past the excuse? Again using my excuse, because I believe a lot of people use this same excuse, I decided when I heard myself saying the excuse, or thinking it, I would do whatever it was I was avoiding because that was the real issue, avoidance.

So, if I had a class to write but felt I was so busy I couldn’t sit down and do it and the excuse popped up, I chose to sit, write something and move through the need to have my self pity fix met. Not pretty, I’ll grant you, but it works when you are honest with yourself and find a sense of humor about how creative we beings are.

This is the part where you do not blame it. It really doesn’t matter what the issue is or what the reason is it has been created. All that really matters is what you are willing to do to be in a better place in your life and most importantly, in your soul for the learning you do now will carry forward.

What can you do right now to move through that excuse you gave previously? Can you clean out one drawer if your excuse is you are not organized enough? Can you go for a walk for five minutes if your excuse was you are too tired to exercise? Can you sit down and write for fifteen minutes if you have a paper due and you just don’t have the inspiration to do it. Write spaghetti over and over again until you move through whatever it is you are avoiding. It doesn’t matter what you write as long as you are doing something to move forward. The same is true of the organization or the exercise. It is also true if your excuse is you just can’t afford to do anything, you can, you are just using an excuse to stay stuck. There are a lot of free activities as well as ways to increase income or decrease debt, some actually fun! Seems silly doesn’t it when we put it that way, doesn’t it? Remember that old standby, honesty is the best policy? This is especially true if we are talking about self.

So while you are being honest, give yourself the gift of no claiming. I don’t feel it is a coincidence that claiming and complaining rhyme so well. There is a distinct connection between the two. Once you start complaining you have already claimed whatever it is you are giving negative attention to. By virtue of giving your attention you have claimed it. Now, we can’t edit every thought that comes into our mind for that would make us nuts, but we can learn to focus on what fills us up rather than depletes us.

For just a moment, think of something  you  complain  about often. Got it? Good now really feel what it feels like in your body when you complain. What do you  feel? Do you  feel elated, pumped up,  ready to charge ahead? Do you feel crummy, depressed or lethargic?  What is your body telling you? Please listen because this is the first step in listening to yourself and rewiring the messages that have been playing for many years leading you in the direction of drama and negativity.

If you feel pumped up, there is a good chance you thrive on the drama of your excuses and the excitement you feel is being fed as a type of addiction that will never serve you well for like a lot of addictions, you will go back for more and more and more.

If you feel depressed or less than enthusiastic, it is depleting your system and each time you participate in complaining, you are decreasing your enjoyment of life over and over. If there were a magic pill for this, everyone would need a prescription but there isn’t. It is magic when you realize you have a say in how you feel and decide to make some changes to feel better and develop habits that support your greatness. I know you can do it.

When you feel you are sliding into naming, blaming or claiming, don’t judge yourself, but redirect, move just a bit off the habit toward action. We all know that actions come after our thoughts so if you can take the time initially to shift those thoughts and rewire the automatic response to one of positive action, your actions are going to flow nicely. In this place you would be focusing on what is now and right in front of you rather than what is not. So you would have shifted from the gas and brake driving to the gas and occasionally using the brake when you want to make a turn. Much like driving, the movements aren’t going to be fast and jerky, they will be small, slow and constantly adjusting, no jake brake needed.

Trucking on down my road. Hope to see you along the way!
Vicki

www.vickibaird.com