So, this weeks experience happened in a coaching session. Me being the client this time though, so I figure there is no need to edit identity for the sake of confidentiality!
I was explaining to Wren, my theracoach extraordinaire, that I felt a bit wobbly this week and ok, yes, a little overwhelmed. It wasn't the whole week thankfully, but a whoosh of energy that took me over right before a client was due in. Not the best timing but it did make me pay attention. I remember wondering; is this a panic attack? This feels like it could be what others describe as the beginning of a panic attack. I didn't have time for such a thing so I pulled the Belief Re-patterning into action and got to a calm space and parked that puppy until I could look at it later.
Later came while I was walking the dog and I realized some of the feeling was because I had let the bookkeeping get two months behind and I know how that impacts the financial flow of a business so I set a plan to get that completed. As with most emotional issues, there were layers. Lots and lots of layers, kind of like that seven layer dip that is so divine with the sour cream! Only, these layers had the tanginess of hot salsa where you know you don't want to burn your lip but you just have to try it. So, I took a deep breath and felt into the next layer. I won't bore you with the middle layers because really, its just re-fried beans and guacamole (yuck), but the layer with the goodies for me, cheese, it's always cheese with me, was right under there; the awareness that other than myself and the pets; I didn't have anyone I had to take care of anymore. I was free to do what I wanted to do because everyone had either croaked or was an adult and could take care of themselves. For the first time in over three decades, I didn't have parents, a spouse, kids, a boss or employees to report to or make sure they were doing ok in the day to day process of life.
Now, to be totally transparent, I wasn't experiencing empty nest syndrome, I am very good with that idea. I was experiencing the feeling of being autonomous. It is a freaky, freaky feeling when you are used to people looking to you for direction and care. It was a little like Sandra Bullock in Gravity. Floating out in the middle of space. It was exciting, scary and just a little bit concerning because, you know, oxygen is important.
Once I realized what it was, I went into excitement mode. WHAT could I do with all that space? HOW exciting to think I can choose to do whatever I want! TO THINK: I'm not being self-centered by taking care of only me. I'm the only person I have to take care of right now!
Then I went back to, I don't know how to do that. What exactly does that mean? I know I encourage people on a daily basis to take care of themselves, but what exactly does that mean for me on an ongoing basis? What will I do with all my time? (This is actually a little sarcasm because if you are someone who is a single homeowner, running your own business, you know that there is ALWAYS something to do!)
So, Wren then asked me what was really the issue. I pondered this, took a deep breath and said " I feel like a turtle that is stuck on a piece of driftwood up in the air. My little legs are flopping in the breeze and I can't get a hold of solid ground to move myself forward. Backwards is old patterns of getting involved in others stories so I don't have time to take care of me and forwards is new experiences that I'm excited to learn about but still a little nervous." She used a technique familiar to coaches in asking me to visualize what it was like once I got down off the piece of driftwood. I told her I felt ease in that. I felt less tension and more adventurous.
I then wondered if people could realize when they were being turtle in stuck formation if they could stop, breathe, ponder and formulate a plan from that calm place. I felt that when I got calm, I could tip my body to be able to touch the ground and then dismount off this place I was stuck. I bet the turtle doesn't think about it as much as I did. Maybe he knows inherently to stop, enjoy the view from the new vantage point and let the plan formulate itself.
When you experience that feeling of anxiousness, can you be the turtle in the story and take a breath, enjoy the higher vantage point and allow a plan to come together? Or do you get busy and power through to the next thing and the next hoping that manic movement is going to dislodge you from your driftwood and set you on your way? Which one would feel more supportive of a joyful life?
www.vickibaird.com
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