Lately I've had this conundrum going on and I'm seeing it in others lives too so it must be a universal lesson happening. It could also be that whole like attracts like phenomenon where you see what you are going through everywhere, but whatever it is, it is fascinating.

 The confusion being whether a relationship is in my best interest to still be involved in.

It can be such a challenge to take the time to assess if where you invest your time and energy, not to mention emotions, is worth it. That time though, is such a gift to yourself if you are willing to do it. 

It takes courage for sure. Who wants to release a relationship they've invested themselves in? But, who would want to lose respect for self if they stay is also a good question. 

Sometimes it can be so hard to see the path that is best serving. For all parties involved. I know I have spent way too much time being invested in someone else's energy that I couldn't even see if it's in my best interest to associate with them. I can see it clear as can be for someone else, but my learning as a human and a soul come with their own fun. 

My challenges have come in the friend category as I have learned a lot in the last two years what true friendships consist of. I've often felt I wasn't the best friend to begin with because while I will help, I won't join people in their self made drama. I also don't subscribe to the belief we have to be in each other's pockets to have a good relationship. I enjoy people's company and I adore my quiet time so quite often invitations will be declined because it is so important to me to have that to stay sane and I won't change that to spare someone's, even someone I love, decision to be disappointed. So yeah, I can be a pill, but I'm fun too! 

Have you felt this way lately too? Are there relationships that just aren't cutting the mustard? Is there a family member that even if you share DNA, you just can't be with any longer? a friend you have known for decades? A career that just isn't doing it for you any longer? You have the choice, you know. 

What I've learned this year is there are others who will accept me for me and that is amazing. There are relationships to be nurtured where each party is seen and appreciated.  I don't have to put up with those so self involved they don't even realize I haven't said anything for forty five minutes while they talked about themselves. Seriously, I timed it! 

I actually had someone say to me they wished they could have a conversation with me where I didn't respond! While I found that hysterical because isn't that the definition of a conversation, it was very telling to how I had allowed people in my life who were only there for self. That is on me and if I wanted relationships that are authentic, I have to be brave enough to end the patterns in my current situations. Courage isn't the absence of fear, after all, it is the willingness to move forward even with the fear. 

You do too. If you want to enjoy life and be in relationships where both parties contribute, you have to assess and sometimes let go. Whether it is a job, partner, sibling, friend or organization, it is up to each individual to be aware of the patterns and energy exchanges happening.

• What, if anything, is not working in the relationships around you? 
• If you could clarify one thing you would like to change, in you, in regards to your relationships, what would it be? 
• When will you start changing that? 
• How important is it that you have relationships where you get to be you and are respected for whom you are? 
• What have you been telling yourself about the people in your life that you KNOW are no longer in alignment with who you are? 

These are some of the questions I have asked myself and often ask of my clients when a relationship issue comes up. Even if that relationship is with a pet; it must be addressed for peace to happen. We aren't going to make it through our lives without some challenges with others. Wouldn't it be nice if that challenge wasn't with self? After all, wherever you go, there you are! 

I hope if these issues are showing up for you lately, that you are able to look at your own part, honor all people and act in a way that is compassionate for both. As I've said before, sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do for all parties is to walk away. 

Learning to be a friend to self is powerful. Repeat this often; I am a friend to me. A friend to me, I must be. When we are able to do this, we can be the most amazing friends, lovers, partners, employers, parents, etc in the world and bring respect to all interactions. Give it a go, will you? 

Friendly,learning to be to self first and then others, 

Vicki

One of the inherent traits of being human seems to be our love of comparing ourselves to others. In any given conversation one can observe the desire to want to compare or one up the person that they are speaking with. I'm not sure if it has become more of a prevalent thing, or if I have simply become more aware of it. Either way, I am grateful that I became more aware of it this week and observed the conversations I was having with others to see if I was engaging in the comparison dance.

I know I have in the past and I know it came from a hyper awareness of others energy, as well as, feeling that I had to justify anything that was going well in my life. Following last weeks blog where I talked about stuffing emotions, I have a tendency to downplay what I have accomplished or what I know or even what I have been through in my life. As I watched myself communicate this week I found it fascinating how often I wanted to engage in that comparison place. I also found it fascinating how often the person I was speaking with wanted to do the comparison dance. It ended up being an exercise in restraints for me which also affirmed that if we are comparing, we aren't present in the conversation because were already digging up data to give as the next part of the conversation.

I am fortunate to have relationships with some wonderful women who show up in our dialogue in a sharing manner. Meaning, when we are talking there is a presence that can be felt as the other person is listening. At least from my vantage point, it feels as if we are playing a great game of tennis and as each person lobs the ball back, there is a period of time where what has been said is heard and responded to. This has helped me immensely this week to commit to being in communicative relationships where we are sharing, not comparing.

As a matter of fact, that was my mantra this week. "Sharing or comparing? Which one are you engaging in?"

When I first started working out and was sharing the excitement with anyone who wanted to, or didn't want to, listen I often was met with resistance energy from those I was talking with. It wasn't resistant because of the subject matter, it was resistant because the person was comparing what they did or didn't do to what I was talking about. If we were talking about how often we worked out in a week and I said that I aim for 4 to 5 days a week, it was common for me to hear back how they should do that or had to get back to doing it. The other response I got was that I needed to be careful and not work out too much because my adrenals, knees, arms, legs or earlobes couldn't handle it. I was honestly stymied by the response because I thought we were simply sharing not comparing. I didn't have my great saying at the time so I would often try to assuage their fears by downplaying how hard the workouts were.  And they can be freaking hard. That's the fun part!

I decided this week that I am going to do my best to be a great participant in conversations whether they are verbal or in text by honoring what the other person is saying and firing my comparing critic. Because that's what it typically is, isn't it? Rarely are we comparing in a way that is supportive of both parties. Rarely do we compare ourselves with others in a way that helps us to be better people. I believe if we are looking to another and wanting to attain or be in a manner that they live their lives it isn't comparison were using but rather inspiration. Inspired by them being themselves and a desire to experience the same in ourselves. Unless, of course, we are measuring ourselves on the short stick for not having done what they have done yet. Then it would be comparing.

So what kind of a participant in conversations, including social posting, are you? Does your mind default to a comparing place? If someone speaks of their success, do you immediately go to what you haven't accomplished yet? Or do you get excited with them and appreciate the effort they have put in in order to create a success? The first would be comparing, the latter would be sharing. Which one feels like it would be more fun to experience on a daily basis?

Be honest with yourself this week and observe your conversations with others. You don't have to tell them what's going on in your head. Just be aware if the critic in your brain wants to go to comparison with one of you being on the short end of the deal. Meaning if they say they did something you don't agree with you don't come back with "well, I wouldn't do that!". Also be willing to see if you really are in that share place when you were talking with others. How fantastic would it be to catch yourself doing something well?

I know we each came into our physical being to be and do amazing things. How are we supposed to do that if we are comparing ourselves to others? There won't be time as we are too busy looking at their paper to record something brilliant on ours. Let's commit to being present and celebrating each other by sharing experiences, thoughts, recipes, ideals, respect and overall gratitude that we have a brain and emotional ability to do it! 

Sharing is caring, so feel free to send this to a friend! 

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

If you are reading this, I can say for sure you have had a relationship with others. Whether that relationship is with a partner, a sibling or your banker, it is a relationship and requires all parties' participation.

Relationships are a huge part of why people come in to see me. They can be confusing, can't they? I know I have been baffled by some of the ones in my lifetime at times. I have found most often the most challenging issue is when we try to figure out what the other is thinking, feeling, wanting or perceiving. Why do we do that? Don't we have enough in living our own path without venturing into speculation land? I've been known to suggest someone get a hobby when they spend too much time participating in the act of other person wondering.

Sure, we are connected to others but the time we spend speculating is a vast waste of time because we can't ever really know for sure what is in their minds and hearts unless they know and want to communicate. Here is the really tough part; if they don't want to or don't feel able to communicate it, we best serve the relationship by not taking it personally.  Yeah, I told you it was the tough part!  Respecting what another person wants.  What an advanced concept. I believe we can all do this.

It takes a bit of training of the emotional self to remember to honor that space that is the relationship itself between us and another. That space has a life force of its own. Think about a few people in your life. Now think how different each relationship is. Amazing isn't it, how you are one person but have all these different dynamics in connecting with others?

Have you ever done that? Taken time to look at the space and interactions between you and another? It really is in the best interest of our happiness to do so. That is the participation part I was talking about. We have a responsibility to ourselves, our souls and the others to take the time to consider how we are in this world.

Perhaps you could do that this week. Be in observation of one, how you are in each relationship you have and two, spend some time considering not only the other person but the space between you that becomes the relationship and the life it has there.

You may find that when you do this, you realize that you have grown and want something different in that space. You may realize that you are the one that brings the conflict by spending too much time trying to figure another out and want to change them to suit you.  Hint: this never works. Knock it off.

Regardless of what you observe, if you are honest, there will be a feeling of amazement of what you've learned. Please take this moment and appreciate how much you rock because you were willing to invest yourself. Sometimes the relationship has run its course and is no longer serving either one of you. This is where knowing that it is more than the people involved, can help to let those we don't jive with, go. Release the relationship; respect the person/animal/company while you do so.

As we move into Spring in the northern hemisphere and a time of growth; perhaps this could be the garden you plant this year. 

Happy relationships!

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

You may have noticed that these last two months of August and September have been a bit challenging. I have an incredible reserve of strength and I am at the point of tossing up the hands and saying screw it and I would if I didn't also have this incredible faith that all things turn out as they are meant to for our highest interest and I wasn't just a bit curious about what is coming. It is both a blessing and annoyance at the same time.

I trust that our souls have a path and while I do not believe it to be completely pre-determined, I do know that some of the tougher passages are there to help us strengthen our beliefs and encourage us to grow. That doesn't mean we don't want to say to hell with this all and tell someone to pound salt when they say think positively.

I don't bring this up to depress you but rather to say, hang in there. It is shifting. We have been facing an intense push these last three weeks and while it is winding down a bit, it will increase again in mid October. Typically, I don't do the energy alerts ahead of time because people use it as an excuse to act like poops if there is conflicting energy happening but I realize I am not in charge of what people do with it, so here goes.

If you have lived with any other humans in the last four years, you know it has been a time of getting clear on what you would like in your life and who you would like in your life. This is so freaking hard sometimes. Be nice to you and realize it isn't to be done all at once but rather in stages. We are in one of those stages right now and your soul will be asking you to stop lying to yourself and feeling bad if you have to release someone, something or some belief.

Howard's passing has made it very clear to me who I want to have in my life and I have released some that one would think were close to me. I decided I wasn't going to do false anywhere in my life and I didn't have to. He was one of the most honest people you could meet and I used to say to him, you can accept people for who they are and still have them in your life. His comeback was usually, "not if they are asses, hon, I don't have to." I used to think he was being coldhearted. Now, I get he was being authentic to himself. A great teacher for me.

Relationships are ending whether it is through a passing, divorce, break up, decision to no longer talk to someone or geographical differences. Jobs are ending that don't line up with the individual. Bodies are rebelling if we aren't taking care of them and yelling loudly that we might want to or croak ourselves. There isn't much patience in the universe right now for things that don't line up.

My suggestion? Pay attention to the areas of your life that annoy, give you grief, talk to you or are generally conflicted. Be willing to look at them and ask what you would prefer and then for goodness sake, act on it. Have a conversation, stop eating crap, move your butt rather than complain about it's size, start coloring, find a therapist, shift your beliefs or find an island where you are the only person because it will only get louder if you don't listen.

There are amazing things happening too. People are lining up with work they love, opening businesses, changing their current business, running for public office and creating fundraisers for those they care about. It is completely possible to ride these energy waves and be upright and strong while navigating the surf. It takes strength, courage and a bit of bravery to do so, but it is possible.

Listen to yourself and pay attention to where your thoughts, complaints and conversations go. If they aren't supportive, then you have to decide what you will do with that. Perhaps get involved in a project that means something to you, start working out, go to school, or whatever will light you up at this time.

As we transition into October you will be glad you did. Doing the prep works allow us to walk through these times with grace.

Being human isn't always easy but it is full of opportunities to show who we are at the core of our being. I know for sure that this is what is what the soul longs for, lining up with our greatness. Will you join me?

Taking deep breaths and occasionally swearing,

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

One of the things that is certain is, you will not get out of this lifetime without having some type of relationship. Lately I have been paying attention to the relationships in my life and deciding which ones I want to invest my energy on. I think it's healthy to do this periodically as we change, others change and why hang onto one that is not serving.

 

As I was doing my evaluation of self and asking where I might improve in my relationship with others, I found myself creating questions regarding what type of relationships I had. It stands to reason that with each relationship there would be different dynamics. For instance the relationship with your spouse, will have different elements than a relationship with a friend, or at least it had better or the relationship with your spouse will not last! Due to the variables in all of us, how we interact with each person and their variables can be vastly different. 

 

When our kids were growing up, and sometimes now even as adults, I have had to remind them that I wasn't their buddy, dude, homie or girl, I was Mom (Vic) and they would be wise to remember that when talking with me. Being aware of the guidelines in a relationship can mean all the success in the world. 

 

During my self assessment I came up with three areas that I thought were pretty smart and would help me decide how to identify where a relationship stood. I asked myself if it was:

Co-dependent- did either of us depend on the other to be in their life as if it was a lifeline? Similar to that whole "you complete me" bologna. Assessing if I was the person needing to be needed and if that gave me identity or if the other person was clinging and I was done carrying their energy. This type of relationship can be very draining for both parties. 

 

Co-existent- are we in each others life due to obligation, guilt or "have to"? Are either one of us too chicken to say, hey, this isn't what I want right now. Have we decided we are tolerating each other because we share some DNA? Is the other person done with me and I know it but don't want to be the one to mention it?  (This is rare, I will mention it, wish them well and relieve them of my presence.) This type is also draining until a conversation is had and then it can shift to nourishing. 

Co-Operative- This one is my favorite. Are we two individuals that accept each other for who we are, in all our greatness, and choose to be in each others life? This is the type of relationship that fills you up, not depletes you. Can we say ANYTHING to the other and have it be received as it is intended without reading anything into it? Can we trust that this person will not hold back if you are wearing something hideous, have said something insensitive, or are not being supportive to yourself? 

I am very blessed to have quite a few of the last category in my life. I like to think it is because I am willing to see my stuff and take responsibility for whatever I may have done when not in my most shining moments. I also hope that as the years go by, I learn how to be more of that person in the relationship that thinks of the other and offers compassion, humor and an occasional, are you really going to wear that? It takes a lot of courage to co-operate with me. :)

What type of relationships are you cultivating in your life? What kind of relationship do you have with self?  After all, this is the most important relationship we can have. Are you willing to put a little time into assessing the way you interact with the world and kick it up a notch where it feels like you may be living in the first two categories? I hope you are. 

Co-living on this wonderful Earth we have, 

Vicki

 

www.vickibaird.com

I originally had another blog planned for today but when I was out with the dog today I had a thought and loved it so I asked my guides to let me remember it when I got home! A lot of times I will have an idea and it will go in one chakra and out the other. Have you ever had this happen? A brilliant idea pops in and then, whoop, it's gone! You aren't losing your memory, you are tapping into thought forms and your guides. Until it is landed in this realm it can be very challenging to retain. I either write it down or send myself a voice note. That's not the great idea but I thought you may want to know you aren't losing your marbles.

The idea that came in was when we were rounding mile three and even though it was only fifteen degrees outside, I was sweating in my four layer outfit. The sun was out! In February! In the Berkshires! I actually said out loud to Tank (because he never judges my thought process) "I am so looking forward to running without all these layers." Immediately I had a comment back to myself (Yes, it is sane to talk to oneself. If sanity were to be questioned it would be the comment about looking forward to running! ) that the clothes aren't the only layers that will be shed.

Now, I get very excited when I hear back that more change is happening but what really made me want to remember it was the idea of how many layers we have in our lives. You can layer your hair. You can order a layer cake. You can layer degrees on top of degrees in search of professional satisfaction and many people layer relationships in a bid to never be alone. We are fascinating, aren't we?

Do you feel like the little kid with so many layers on they can't even play in the snow? What layers are you carrying around and are they even your layers?

• Are you hanging on to other people's beliefs about life? (Think parents, teachers, bosses, friends, network news, etc.)
• Do you spend a lot of time wondering what others think of you? (Pssst, it's none of your business.)
• Is a good part of your day spent worrying about things out of your control? (psst, it's all out of your control. Get good with that and life is a lot of fun.)
• Are you depressed about the past and anxious about the future? (Staying in the present can solve that little dilemma.)
• Is the critic in your head louder than the coach? (Spend some time with the coach and that will happen less.)
• Do you layer up on commitments so you aren't spending time alone? (You are really pretty cool. Imagine if you learned to spend time with you and liked it?)
• Are you not moving forward because you are waiting for someone else to even be aware they have layers? (Putting your life on hold for someone else never works....never!)

You get the point. We are multifaceted beings and are always going to have layers. How you layer yourself will determine how much you enjoy this life process. When applying layers be sure they are supportive. That they make you stronger, much like sedimentary rock. The more supportive layers you put on, the stronger you get. 

Be choosy about your layers. Be willing to pass on the layers that may make you overheat or be willing to strip those puppies off while in route to your amazing life! 

As for me, I am still looking forward to the running without two pairs of pants on, but am so grateful for the analogy that had me looking at my layers today! I wish you the same fun process. 

Promoting the loving layers, 

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

There is a difference between being alone and loneliness although our language teaching does not always convey it well. So often clients will say to me that they don't want to be alone. I feel a natural desire to ask if they know the difference between being alone and loneliness. To be alone is a glorious part of being human. It is where you get to know who you are and you get to assess who it is you would like to be. It is a gift that we get in coming into this world as an individual. No one else like you. Even if you are an identical twin, you have your own likes and dislikes. THAT is amazing! There is not another creature that is you. Something I am sure my mother was very grateful for as two Vicki's may have done the woman in!

Solitude, another great word, is the state of being alone without being lonely. You see, I believe what people are really trying to say to me is they don't want to be lonely. Lonely has a vibration of a deficit to me and since I feel words, the difference in the vibration of lonely and alone is fascinating to me. Lonely almost always has a feeling of missing something, someone, some emotion. The person is most missing themselves in my humble opinion. At some point along the line, they have given their happiness or power over to another completing them or filling a void they feel and this has led to that deficit.

I feel if more people were able to delineate between the feelings of deficit and desire, they would find walking this path a bit easier. When there is a deficit, a hole or something that feels like it's missing, a natural desire is to fill it up. I am sure you know someone, or are that someone perhaps, that moves from one relationship to another without ever really taking a break in between. The loneliness drives the need to fill that perceived hole with either another relationship or with other means.

On the other hand, when there is a knowing that no one can fill us up, that it is our job to do that and no one else's, we can get to the place of realizing that alone is amazing and that space is what we are really desiring. Alone is where the messages are heard, the desires can grow and a true sense of self can be developed. Without some alone time the battery does not recharge and alignment with self is really challenging. It is like listening to music with ear buds constantly and never removing the noise. How would you hear anything else? How could you hear that you actually LIKE your own company or that you had an original idea if there isn't some space for that to get in.

From a very young age we are encouraged to pair up, like this is some kind of ark or something. Perhaps in a much earlier time this was necessary for the survival of the species, but I am pretty sure that is not the case any longer, so ease up people. Date yourself. Do the work that helps you to know who you are and be good with that and THEN pair up. For goodness sake, don't do it before you know the difference between alone and lonely for you may be the one looking to fill someone else's deficit and that never works out well.

If you are already in a relationship, that is great, keep it up but do it in a healthy way where each of you have your own interests, there is room for the other to grow and an encouragement to feel fulfilled in every aspect of life. It has been my experience that the greatest sense of loneliness is being with those that you do not want to be with or who don't want to be with you and while the later part of that statement may be hard to hear, if you take the time to be good with alone, you will recognize that as a gift too. When you have taken the time to cultivate self, someone saying they no longer wish to be with you may initially sting, but you will eventually see the beauty in it because someone believed that you could be alone and be ok....now can you?

Do yourself a favor and get so good at being alone that loneliness is no longer a word in your dictionary. Contrary to what it sounds like, when one is good at being alone, they are a lot of fun to be with. The energy is clean and the relationship is authentic. Don't you want to be the example of that? I know I do.

What will you do today that encourages your strength of alone and your willingness to see to all the places that may require filling? For instance my favorite thing at the moment is bike riding. I have had offers from awesome people to take rides and I am sure one day I will, but for now, I ride solo loving the alone time and affirming that yup, I've got this ride of life. Bring it on!

Quite comfy being alone with my thoughts,
Vicki