Someone said to me the other day that they love me unconditionally and it made me pause. I, like you, have heard this phrase my whole life and didn't give it much thought until recently. I appreciated the comment but my first response was how? How can you love me unconditionally? Is that even possible? You love the version of me you have in your mind, but without condition? Not buying it.

I used to think I was a terrible parent because I know I don't love my kids unconditionally. I love them and their individuality and even their opinions when they don't line up with mine, but unconditionally, nope. How could I? I have years, even decades, of experience behind me with all the comparisons that are inherently human. I have the memories of frustration, joy, appreciation and excuse me, but the teen years are still very vivid in my mind even when it's not what I dwell on.

I don't believe my parents loved me unconditionally either. I am number seven of eight children and was as independent as they come. I know they were frustrated by my questioning how things were in the house and the know it allness that came naturally to me. I know they loved me but it wasn't unconditional. They expected us to behave. They demanded respect of elders and they insisted we clean our rooms and you know what? I believe I turned out ok for it.

I had a boss very early in my professional life that told us in a meeting that everyone is dispensable. That every employee at the business could be replaced and quickly if necessary. I remember thanking him after that conversation. He was a bit perplexed by my appreciation. I told him I appreciated him saying that because it meant that I wouldn't work to please him, I would work because it meant something to me. Now, I didn't realize at the time that this was an amazingly powerful moment but I do now and it affirms my belief that we can't love unconditionally.

I'm not suggesting this to question any love you have for someone but more to bring relief if you've wondered the same thing. Wouldn't it be a relief to love someone because you love them but lose that whole, you can do anything and I'll still love you, pressure? Imagine how nice it would be to be able to say, no, I don't love you unconditionally and that is ok. It is dependent on how we interact together and that is based on wiring and our brains loving comparison.

Think of the other side of that too. If you knew you weren't loved supposedly unconditionally, wouldn't you strive to be the best you that is possible? Would you take the energy saved from the  pressure off and learn to love you?  What if some of the kids, partners or employees knew that they may not be loved and accepted regardless of their actions. I believe, and this is my humble opinion, that we would have less entitlement and more effort if we got honest.

I have said to my kids, I love you but I am not liking you right now, and I know that is a condition so let's call it what it is, shall we? Even pets will give you an attitude if they don't get what they want or expect from you so that unconditional love you think you're getting, just hold back the treats and see what happens. Conditions.

Be willing this week to recognize you have conditions and be ok with that. Be accepting of your lovely self and get honest.

Conditional and excited about that,

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

You know what is really exciting to me?  Someone (including myself) who says, "Vicki, (yes, I talk to myself.) I don't know what the heck I want but I know I don't want to live/feel/exist this way any longer."  Yay! So blissfully exciting to hear those words. Why? Because it means the person has realized where and how they are is not satisfying any longer and they want more. It is also where I get to help, if they so desire.

The soul comes into the experience to want more. To explore, expand and eventually evolve through wanting more. More knowledge, more love, more self awareness and sometimes more ice coffee. It's a real thing this ice coffee soul need. Truly.

It can be part of the human condition to acquire more stuff when the soul is really asking to be experiential. It is asking to stretch and bust out of that comfort zone. The brain reads it as I must want the newest car, or next video game or to date someone else. If one was willing to really listen to self, it would realize it isn't asking for material objects but rather a feeling. A feeling of connection.

I get that this can be confusing, believe me, I get it! So how can it be less confusing? Well, first you have to be an active participant in your own life. You have to be willing to see what doesn't completely line up and then be brave enough to say, I want more. Then after realizing you want more, you must be willing to create it.

I haven't found a magic pill, button or spell that will transform someone in a blink of an eye. Think of how boring that would be? Sure, the first ten times would be fun when you immediately manifested what you want, but I'd be willing to bet most people would go to the material again on that and eventually find it less fulfilling then they originally thought it would be. The reason it wouldn't be fulfilling is each of us wants that GO ME! moment. We all want to celebrate and be proud of ourselves and we stinking deserve that feeling and moment.

So, what are you not doing that could help you get to that go me moment? Are you an active participant in your life or are you floating along the river of wherever the current takes you?  An active participant has a few of the following tools in their toolkit:

• They make decisions for themselves. They may consider another's input, but the decision comes from their own self. Whether this is where to go to dinner or what job to take or whom to date, it doesn't matter. It comes from within.
• An active participant is always learning. They realize that we can't possibly know everything but there is no limit on what we can learn so a walk in the forest can be as educational as a PhD. 
• An active participant feels lit up about their life. They know that there are ebbs and flows and that is what makes this life thing fun. There are opportunities everywhere and being excited about life brings them front and center. 
• An active participant is able to separate someone else's experience from their own because they are completely aware of the space they occupy. Empathy and compassion are available, but sympathy does not get play time. They realize that if someone else is acting out or not living up to their potential, it is on the individual not anyone else. 
• They also realize the entire world does not revolve around them so when another active participant makes a decision about their own life, it isn't because they don't have time for me/ love me/want what's best for me, wah wah wah

These are some of the ways one can check in on whether they are an active participant or not. There are millions more, I am sure. Be willing to take your own temperature and see if you are participating in your own life. I don't know about you, but when I croak and get to watch my movie of my life, I want to be able to say, Good job Vic, you were open and lived life to the fullest intention of your soul. High five! 

Actively enjoying my soul ice coffee this am, 

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com