Last month I had a lot of time to contemplate commitment. As I spent fifteen days at the hospital with my husband (never leave someone in the hospital who can't speak for themselves!) and then another week at home, I have had time to consider how this level of commitment is different for me at this time in my life.
In the past few years we have spent many days at the hospital and this stint was the longest of what I had done before with him, but with more responsibility. You see, there was more of a legal ramification in this one, at least for those taking care of him. I had to use the health care proxy card way too many times last month and it got me thinking about the papers we sign and what they really mean. For health care proxy's it means you are willing to serve the person in their best interest regardless of your wishes. Go ahead and try to fathom that. Oh, it's easy when you are signing the paper but when you have to make the decision of possible survival or certain physical passing, it will give you pause no matter how many times you have discussed with the person what they would like. It is a privilege and one I am so willing to do but phew, it can be exhausting.
Taking a learning from last time too, I took care of myself this trip around. I decided a run would help with the pressure of decisions and while on it decided that it wasn't about the proxy, it was about another piece of paper I signed, our marriage certificate, twenty five years ago. It really goes back to that decision and the belief we have had in what it means to give your word to someone.
Sometimes I miss the old days when your word was what got you credit or a job and reputation wasn't about someone dissing you but rather about integrity and another's belief that if you gave your word, you would follow through to the best of your ability.
I had to say probably fifty times last month that I will honor what Howard and I have discussed for the last twenty five years and won't repeat myself again so they needed to take their hard earned degrees and listen hard. This is called choice and this is called living in integrity. Physical life is not the only way to live. It made an impression on the doctors. Not because of the words, but rather because I stood behind what I heard from me and then was willing to say it.
When you commit your word, do you follow through? Are you able to connect the words you use with the actions created? What, if any, changes need to happen in order for you to line up how you feel, what you say and how you act to manifest that person of integrity you hope to be?
One of the things I have learned through this process is I have to listen to me and that conversation has to be clear in order to meet what I've committed to. If I don't listen to me, who the heck is going to? If you don't listen to you, who is going to?
What if you committed to being willing to listen to that sometimes quiet voice inside and you committed to doing that today? Then, what if you stood behind your words? Go for it. You'll be glad you did.
Giving my word I commit too,
Vicki
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