I don't believe in coincidences. I believe even when we don't want it to be like it is, life is lined up and meant to be paid attention to. So, imagine my feeling when I decide, ok, enough time between blogs Vicki, get another one up there, and the chapter that is next is Instant Tragedy.
As many of you are aware, my husband of twenty five years passed two weeks ago. While this is by far, the most difficult thing I have ever been through, it is not a tragedy. Some people want it to be and I understand some of the reasons why. It is challenging for us to seperate something happening to another person as it happening to us. With a passing, it can open all kinds of hurts within a person and the desire to go for that tragedy thing is tempting. I get it; I just can't allow it in my life.
I've been very open about how Howard, our kids and I, expected his passing to be seen, as a celebration of choice. His choice. No one else, even myself, got a vote. Although there were MANY discussions long before the disease process happened, it was very clear it was his choice on how to handle his body. There is no tragedy in that at all. There is beauty, growth, fear at times perhaps, but no tragedy.
So, as I roll through this second week, which has been a doozie, let me tell you, I have been checking my own ability to go to the story (I am human after all!) and bringing my focus back to that choice.
We always have choice.
I hope you enjoy this chapter and join me in saying no to this IT.
Instant Tragedy
Have you ever met someone who the minute life is not going as they would like it to, goes into immediate reactive mode? Someone who, unless they really are on stage, acts like they are trying to win that elusive Oscar? Are you that someone? We all have occasions when there is a knee jerk reaction and we speak or act before thinking or more importantly feeling, but when it becomes one audition after another it can create a whole domino effect in one’s life. Very often we don’t want to admit that we have that capability but it is inherent in us and if activated can become quite entertaining, hence why the movie business is so booming.
I have a client, we’ll call her Maude, who when she came to me had some really difficult events in her past that she was dealing with. I felt her fear, her pain and her feeling of being out of control. I acknowledged this and suggested we find some way of shifting the energy around her experiences, allowing them to be there but no longer in control of how she felt on a daily basis. She was not pleased with my suggestion. She flat out told me that the way she had been dealing with her life is just fine and she would continue to do so regardless of what I saw or felt would be in her best interest. Well, there is nothing I can do when someone comes asking for help in feeling better but wants to sit in their own drama. I proceeded to suggest perhaps her therapist would be a good connection for her to help create a space that felt safe enough for her to come out of her flight response. Needless to say, this didn’t go over well either. I have complete faith in the information I receive to be not only in the person’s best interest but also what they are ready to hear whether they want to acknowledge it at that moment or not.
I had seen the fear in Maude’s energy and her face when I suggested not giving any more power to her memories. It was then I realized that it was a fear of letting go of the drama that was really holding her back and not the memories. She was caught in the adrenaline rush and wasn’t sure how she could move through it as much like a drug addict, she was more afraid of not having what was fueling her than what could help her to feel better. So, considering she had hired me to help her feel better about her life, I went back in with a suggestion of moving VERY slowly to the place where she may feel safe and willing to see her life differently. We weren’t going to move anything just yet, but we were going to see how it could be different and hopefully feel, how it could be different and then on the tail of that, perhaps make some movement.
I have great compassion for those that are afraid of growth or movement because I can feel their very real fear response and while in my earlier days I would have been the proverbial bull in a china shop in removing it, I know now that slow and steady can win this race!
One of the mechanisms we have utilized is to literally see her life as a movie. When one learns to do this, it removes the reactive self and allows room for response.
- Where in your life are you acting out your Oscar worthy performance?
- Where is there a tendency to jump to conclusions and strike without asking for more information?
- With whom are you this reactive?
- Who is that person that can “push your buttons.”?
In any of these instances, can you step back and watch it like a movie. Sure, we may identify with the characters on the screen but we know when we walk out that the drama is over. The writer, director and actors have created entertainment for us. This is wonderful and we love it as is evident by the number of shows and movies available and videos on YouTube, but does it really feel good? Does living with the drama fill you up in a way that is loving and peaceful? In all likelihood, probably not, so how about trying the healthy detachment of a movie goer in your own life?
Can you step back and observe with any circumstance in your life and learn to release the attachment to the thrill of the ride on the drama roller coaster? If you are going to enjoy a ride, why not have it be something that is fulfilling and that brings you joy rather than a feeling of depression after?
An additional benefit to learning this skill, and it is a process, is that by learning to step back you will not only have less negative aspects in your life, you will have a ton more positive ones heading in your direction. When you release the need to be in that tense, have to have my drama fix mode, you will be opening your arms to those that want the same thing in their lives.
Drama and Llamas and Mamas….what?
If you have had the pleasure of having teenagers in your life, you know well how drama can be addicting and can roll out of control. One of the sayings I used to say to my kids was “save the drama for the llamas cause mama is NOT interested.” Have you ever noticed that when people, and not just teens, are reading a text or email that someone else has sent them they do it with an inflection in their voice? Now, how do we know what the other person was sounding when they sent the message? And do they really talk like that?
I believe this jumping to conclusions and inferring what others are intending creates a lot of drama and it can lead to that instant tragedy, often with wailing and carrying on associated. When someone wants to relay a story to me of what someone else wrote I often let them do the voice thing and the gesturing and all the theatrics and then I ask them to go back and read it over again with their normal voice as if reading a menu in a restaurant. It is AMAZING how the message within the message changes. Something like “I’m busy right now” goes from being “I’m busy (and you don’t matter and whatever you want to talk about doesn’t matter) right now” to “I’m busy right now.” (No inflection.)
The reason I bring these items up is, I will be honest, I find high drama entertaining. Not just in the theatrical world but in our everyday world. I have compassion for the person going through the drama and often the one creating it, but the actual event of it is quite funny to me. Perhaps it is because I come from such a “don’t talk about it” family that when people are flapping their arms and gesturing, it is funny! Perhaps it is because when it comes right down to it; the more people get upset, the more trivial the event usually is because once again they are seeking that thrill ride. It isn’t about the subject, it isn’t about the person, it is about the fill up.
- Where can you fill yourself up rather than pulling into the drama station?
- What else in your life do you love to do that could take the place of the time you spend all worked up training for that Oscar? (admit it, that visual is FUNNY)
These questions may seem simple, but I promise you, they will garner results if you are willing to participate. Maude and I have worked together for five years and counting as she hasn’t fired me yet! I am happy for her as she is learning to feel her way to stability and really quite honored to be a part of the process. It takes incredible strength to be consciously growing and stretching and challenging the drama student inside that just wants to be seen and have their moment on the stage.
If you are willing to be kind to the student within, patient with him/her when that addiction to attention shows up, you too will have that feeling of accomplishment and peace within you.
Oh, and Maude, yes, well it turns out when she turned her attention to other ways of filling up her tank, she realized she is an amazing botanist.
Choosing to fill myself with the incredible amount of love this life event has shown me,
Vicki
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