I have had the privilege of being part of three incredible men's passing in these last ten months. While that may seem like an odd statement to make, it is alas, my life at the moment. It is their path, more importantly and something that makes me think and appreciate whatever I did in my life that allowed me to be in their presence.
When I was talking with the friend who is doing his transition as I write this, I asked him if he knew he was doing the hardest thing in his life thus far. He was facing his mortality but he was also being asked to trust that it was all going to be ok. He gave me one of his chuckles and a look that I've come to read as "Vicki, I like you, but you are one weird duck." He said to me last week that I ask hard questions and I could stop that now. I love honesty... and hard questions.
Even if he didn't completely believe it, spiritually, he was letting go and doing the path we will all do one day. It was as he told me how much he was going to miss that he also realized how much he had lived. I won't even try to describe the beauty that was in his face and being when he got that. I don't have words for it. Language doesn't have a description for it.
I am always amazed by the human spirit and the strength we all have. These three men have shown me strength in ways I wish I had seen before a disease process made it necessary. All three guys were quiet, loving, perhaps had challenges with communication, yet funny men. At least I thought they were funny. All three have had profound effects on my life by being themselves. By doing the best they could through this process we call life. All three said the same thing to me during our chats during transition; I hope I told the people in my life I loved them enough. Usually followed with; I don't think I did. Now, I was married to one and know he said I love you a lot so his I was able to assure he had done well. The other two and I weren't exactly in that place of expression until the end of their physical life so I can't say for sure if they said but I know with my entire being that they showed it. I assured them they did by witnessing how many people loved them back.
Can I tell you that the three dudes were in incredibly, mind blowingly high pain, and this was their concern. Did they express that they loved and appreciated the people in their life. The strength it takes to wonder that when your entire being is shutting down rocks my world. I'm not sure I would be that strong. I'm not sure, with who I am today, that I would be wondering that. This is where the major impact comes in. I don't want to be wondering that. I know these guys were doing their process but I am a good student and pay attention to the messages coming at me, especially when it is in threes!
What if we all benefit from these three regular dudes and their willingness to answer the tough questions, not only mine, but of their soul? Let's learn from them and gather our strength to show those we have in our lives that we love and appreciate them. Let's decide that showing we care is a great strength and have the vulnerability they showed, be theirs. I know I wondered after Howard passed if he knew how much I loved him. I could see where I was creating issues for myself because it was obvious I did, but really, only because of the last three years of twenty seven did I have that assurance. Had he passed before that, I know it would have bugged me longer because before then it was hard for me show as deeply as I did, even him, that I loved him. We all have this capacity to wonder and my hope is that even if you don't know my amigos, you learn as well from their courage in talking with me and my open book life policy. :)
I know it can be scary to tell someone how much you care, but take the leap and realize even if they don't love you as much, you just checked off the most questioned item by those who are crossing and that is fantastic.
To the guys that have been such a huge part of my life, I love you infinitely and let's remember your promise not to scare me when you pop in to visit!
Learning to express my greatest self with love,
Vicki
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