This week has been a challenging one for me. There wasn't any one thing that made it particularly tough, it just was. There wasn't anything that was any more difficult than the last year has been, well, unless you count the dryer dying, treadmill going on the fritz, the dog digging up the fence to escape, the water cooler overheating (ironic, I know.) or a major decision for my business that had to be made. Yeah, unless you count them, there wasn't anything too glaringly tough, it just was.
We've all had those moments, days, weeks where things feel so far out of whack that you have to sit back and wonder, what the heck is going on and whose movie am I starring in right now? Oh, I suppose you could whine and complain and throw a good snit, but what good would that do? I chose to sit back, with a cup of tea this time, and ponder, what the what?
Besides the mechanical issues, which let's face it, engines fail, it's part of the wonderful world of devices we have and I appreciate the people who are able to repair, replace and remake the items this totally dependent chic needs in her life. So, besides those, the only thing that was dependent on me was the decision around my business. What I came to realize was I wasn't listening to myself because I wanted to make nice for those around me. The trouble with that is once you've learned to listen to yourself and then you turn away from listening, the sounds get LOUD! Which then means I get loud, and sharp and cranky. Oh, I get cranky. I don't want to be in relationships that way. It serves no purpose (See above about whining and complaining.) and it's just plain annoying. I am grateful that I can see it quicker than I used to be able to and I can make the decision to change it.
I had to make the decision, no one else was going to be able to and shouldn't, it is my business. When I realized I was procrastinating I asked myself why and it came down to being who I used to be and having a tug of war with that. I used to just stuff what was bothering me and not say anything until I exploded, got it out and felt better but alienated those in close proximity to my explosion. I had slipped back into old habits and that is what was feeling awful, not so much the conversation I had to have.
In essence, I was doing the work of who I am not anymore. That is a lot of work! It is exhausting. Have you ever found yourself doing that? Working at who you aren't? Perhaps you aren't your mother, and you aren't, you are you, yet you find yourself acting exactly like what you didn't like about her personality. Maybe you have pointed the finger at someone else and wondered how they could be like that and then proceeded to do the same damn thing not a few moments or days later.
Emulation is a great thing to see in babies when they are trying to learn how to eat or speak and they copy us, but emulating and acting in ways that we know don't align with us may be part of the human condition, but I believe we can shift that. I believe once aware, because that is the kicker; being aware, we can shift faster and faster to the point of realizing it before we do the action or say the words.
My mother was a yeller. We have very good lungs. Opera singers in our lineage. We can belt out a tune and yell really, really loud. Really loud. It used to annoy me so much that things were always so loud but then we were told to be quiet. There was a confusing message there. When we had kids, I found myself doing the same until one day I saw myself yelling and was reminded of what it felt like to be in that energy and what it feels like in current time and decided then to change how I communicated my dissatisfaction or frustration. Besides, the kids said I was more impressive, or they might have said scarier, whatever, when I was quiet. Instant results. A smart parent uses feedback to grow too!
- So, who are you emulating or being in a way that is not supportive other than yourself?
- What behaviors are you engaging in because you watched them in another, maybe didn't even like them and in an effort to NOT be like that person, you created it anyway?
- What are you judging about yourself when you could accept who you are today and work from there?
It is important to accept that this is a part of being human and if we can emulate and fight being someone else, we can certainly use that energy to be ourselves. To learn who we are as ourselves and then be them. A world of original beings, wouldn't that be amazing?
Be original and honor others originality. It's quite fun.
Being me is a beautiful thing,
Vicki
p.s. Check out the song by Jordan Smith titled Beautiful Things to help you be you.
p.p.s Yes, I did make the decision and had the conversation and even though I felt sad around the decision, I also felt relief. Relief is what you will feel when you've been acting as another, even an old self, and you aren't that person. Relief then turns to ease. You want ease, right? Be yourself.
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