These last two weeks have been a doozie, haven't they? I don't know about you, but I have felt like every lesson I have learned in my forty-six years is right there up in my face. They seem like that person at a cocktail party that doesn't know personal space and won't back up no matter how clear you are you don't like it.
I like seeing my stuff. Oh, I don't always like the subject but I appreciate being able to realize I've got stuff and it could use some work. By stuff I mean emotions, experiences and awarenesses that I either didn't want to look at in the past or that I crammed down in denial; probably with gluten free pretzels and hot tamales. Carbs are my go to stuffer, can you tell? Being willing to see my stuff, understand it and learn from it means less carbs in my future. I sincerely hope this.
I had an experience this week that helped me see how much stuffing I have done my whole life. Now, I was well aware I am a stuffer, I come from a long line of stuffers. What I wasn't aware of was how tiring that is and how it keeps us in the soup. I was lamenting about a pattern I saw in my life and how I was, quite frankly, done with it. In working with Belief Re-patterning these last few years, I feel I have become really adept at spotting a pattern and then wanting to release it. A bit like solving a puzzle. There is excitement about the process and satisfaction when it is complete. I have done this a lot over the years and know it to be a great experience, after I accept that I had been contributing to the pattern. Of course I have contributed; it's MY pattern!
So, the one that was most evident was not allowing myself to feel hurt. The level of pain I can feel intuitively is so great that I had learned to smoosh (technical term) anything that felt even close to that so I didn't have to go through it. Well, that sneaky husband, who was and continues to be a great teacher for me, goes and croaks and there is no way to hold back the hurt now. It's there like a horrible pimple on prom night. Front and center demanding attention.
The amazing part of all of this learning these last few weeks is although I miss him like crazy, the hurt wasn't specifically about Howard. It was about all the other times I felt hurt and I swept it under the carpet. I bucked up and powered on. Yeah....that's not possible anymore. The combination of incredible curiosity in how I'm wired, the desire to feel good in the time I have on this planet and the push I feel to help others discover the joy in understanding themselves has converged into a "look, here is a pattern and we can shift it and appreciate who we are in the process" way of living. I'm grateful for it. It totally stinks in the moment, but the more practice I have at looking at my stuff and being willing to accept that my stuff is not the identification of me, the lighter I feel and the more I can allow in the other feelings of joy, love, humor, empathy, acceptance and the list goes on.
So, are you a stuffer? Is that stuff you've been carting around so heavy that you can't even imagine life without it? Do you plaster a smile on your face and pretend something doesn't hurt? Cover it with sarcasm or worse, lashing out at others because your own crap is too much to deal with? Do you reach for pretzels too? Congratulations, you are human and may have learned from others around you to stuff. You are also capable of deciding if that is the way you want to live any longer. You can make a choice to look at your stuffing, see it as a teacher and address what is coming up. This works as such a great release mechanism that immediately, the body feels relief and the emotions calm.
Now, there may be times where I have to park my emotions and carry on with my day or the event I am attending but as a commitment to myself, I have promised me that when there is space, I will revisit the feelings with compassion and help myself to learn that expressing what we are feeling is a gift we can give to us on a daily basis.
Let's leave the stuffing for the holidays and pillows shall we? Ironically, I can't stand the taste of stuffing. Hmmmm, think my subconscious was trying to help me all these years? I do love pillows.
Take some time this week and look at what might be under the layers that you have stuffed there, in the back of your emotional closet and decide to take it out. You don't have to wear it out in the open so everyone can see. You can talk with your therapist, coach, smart friend or your guides and angels, but do talk. Let it out so the stuffing pattern gets released and honesty can be present. You will be most grateful to yourself that you did. I know you can do it. You are brave like that.
Using stuffing for pillows only,
Vicki
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