After a pause I used an analogy, I LOVE analogies. I drew the comparison of her service to the social assistance system our state has. If someone is in a tough spot and could use help, it is a wonderful thing. It can help them get back on their feet, boost self-esteem and in many cases, provide the fuel to keep going. It is not intended to be something to live on and rely on as support for all of their days. Although some may choose this, they are short changing themselves by not believing they are capable of self support. I went on to say, if you sprain your ankle, you don't necessarily need a wheelchair when a set of crutches will do. Allow the crutches to assist, do not rely on a wheelchair to carry you.
My point in all of this was to help her see that if she was the system people rely on to survive, no one will thrive. She will be exhausted and the other person or persons won't feel their own greatness. Transfer of power serves no one.
Ask yourself if you are the provider of the emotional wheelchair or the rider? Where in your life are you allowing others to ride on the benefit of your energy and momentum. It isn't an easy thing to look at but boy, when you do, there is a lot of relief that can be had just by acknowledging it. Especially if you are the one that is taking the ride. The small steps to ambulating, when one is perfectly capable, are empowering and well worth the effort.
Examples of being the emotional wheelchair:
- Everybody's needs come first, even if they are capable of taking care of self. (Be honest with this one. Anyone over the age of ten can make a sandwich for themselves, the abilities just get stronger from there.)
- You financially support someone who is capable of doing the same for themselves. I am not talking family choice here, I am talking about the person who is capable and available to bring in the cash and chooses, for whatever reason, not to.
- Excusing behavior that is less than supportive. Making excuses and allowing.
- Not believing you are worth the care everyone in your life is receiving from you. (come see me, I will help you with this one. :))
Examples of being the rider:
- Allowing someone else to carry you. Seems pretty easy as the first one. Leaning is one thing, once in a while, but carrying is not good for any relationship.
- Believing someone else "is the reason you live." No person can be this for another. It is just not possible. Short of prior to cutting the umbilical cord, you are the reason you live, then you can connect to others. Hold your own energy and be proud of self sufficiency.
- Using excuses like, I can't find a job, I don't have skills, I live where there is no opportunity. I recently read about a man who took in a child who had no family even though he could barely support himself. He tried to make more money collecting recycled material but that was too costly so he taught himself to make bricks to sell to contractors. He now supports FOUR children who aren't even his so they can go to school. Anything is possible.
- Like above, not believing you are worth receiving. We all are but there is accountability and desire that must be plugged into in order to receive.
Changing either of these positions can be challenging but how great would it be to feel that I can do it feeling if you are the rider. Equally great is seeing someone say, I DID IT! when you learned to say no and trust that they could really do it. It is a gift you can give them because eventually all wheelchair tires go flat and need to be replaced. If the rider hasn't learned to walk, there may be an abrupt end to the ride, i.e. divorce, croaking, throwing hands up. Prevent whiplash, be self carrying and then play well with others. Heck, maybe after everyone gets up on their own feet, dancing may happen!
The above examples are just a few I have either lived through or seen in my business. There are as many as there are people. Give yourself the gift of assessing where you are and if you want to, how you would change it.
See you on the dance floor,
Vicki
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