Last winter I decided that I should probably line a few things up proactively to manage the cold, newly single, inside season. One thing I did was join a local spa that had a great gym (until the best one ever opened at Soules Sports and Fitness;shameless plug here.) and THE best conditioner in the showers ever. A form of community, where no one made eye contact and I could be anonymous while being part of a whole and getting my sweat on. I admit it sounds a bit convoluted now but it worked, for that time.  The other decision I made was to learn how to play the guitar.

The spa was to give myself something away from the challenges of the newly single experience. So I didn't become, shall we say, cranky.  The guitar is something I had tried years, ahem, decades, ago, for about a week. I had taken clarinet and voice lessons for ten years in school so I thought, ok, so I learn a few chords and pluck out a tune or two and feel accomplished in my mature self.

Oh my goodness was I misleading myself. I'm glad I was because it gave me the courage to call Pat, the queen of all patient people, to see if she was brave enough to take me on as a student. She may be reassessing this now, but she said yes. So, the guitar is hard. It is way hard. It is so hard, anyone who plays it should be given moments of silence as we stand in wonder at their abilities. My guitar and I have had words, well, I used words, it just sat there all high and mighty and string like.

It probably doesn't come as a surprise that I have a pretty high drive for anything I attempt. It's how I'm wired. Why go half in? What I had forgotten about those ten years of music is I started out sounding pretty awful. Mom made me practice in the field behind our house if that is any indication of how awful the first few months of woodwind lessons are. (A note to my children; I never made you do that. That should count for something!) So imagine my surprise and utter frustration when I picked up the guitar and started to learn how to make my fingers cooperate in order to produce something that remotely sounded like music.

This is where Pat's patience comes in. She would say, you are rocking it. Good job! I believe her because she is as honest as they come but couldn't help thinking she had lost some of her hearing. So, we kept at it. We have only scratched the proverbial surface of how to play and there are literally more techniques and ways to play it than I can absorb.

The reason for this trip through my, never going to do a world tour as a lead musician, experience is I had an epiphany about the guitar and learning this weekend. I realized that I could go at it with my "I WILL GET THIS!" way or I could relax into it, have fun and be fascinated by the potential of the process. I realized that much like our soul, which is eternal and that means we are never going to get it all done, learning is the same.

How boring would it be to know everything? Or to be able to do something the minute we decided to try. How about if we all admitted we didn't know it all, relaxed into that, allow the process and learn from each other?

It was such a relief to be able to say, ok, I don't know what the heck that fingering chart means (I had it sideways. Which is ridiculously funny to me now.). I don't have some perceived finish line I have to get to and prove that I am a worthy student. I have all the time in the world because the effort I am putting in now may show up as a world tour in my next life. Hey, it could happen!

Do you ever feel completely overwhelmed because you think you should know it all by now? At whatever age your ID says you are? Do you put pressure on yourself to always be prepared to prove that you have value in your intelligence? Ok, stop it. Relax in what you do know and be curious about what you don't. Be patient and give yourself time to learn, grow, expand and develop the muscles needed to live a fantastically, wonderful life.

We are so dynamically different as much as we are similar. People have a lot to teach each other as we have all walked unique paths. Let's start to accept that collectively we are dang smart and learn from each other. I wish for us all to have teachers as patient as Pat, with humor, direction and a willingness to say "I don't know, either" so we can experience the new together.

Rock on, or in my case for this weeks lesson; I wish you a Steady Groove!
Vicki

P.S, Dave, if you are reading this from the other side, I could really use the help with chords. I thank you in advance.

www.vickibaird.com

Yes, this could very well be referring to what is going on around the world right now with those that choose to express themselves through angry means, but that isn't what I am asking about. Well, maybe it is because acceptance really does start at home and then we take it out into the world. 

Acceptance can be practiced and acted on in so many areas of our lives. Maybe we could start small and work our way up completely accepting others. 

This idea isn't new by any means and it is something I work to achieve every day. Some days I am more successful than others. The intention is there, the act is in process. I think the most challenging part to me is when others feel they have a say in how someone lives their lives. News flash; we have no say in how someone else chooses to live their lives. Sure we can have an opinion but ultimately, it is up the individual how they live and what they choose to do. 

Recently I was contemplating this when someone thought it a good idea to tell me how I should live my life. They went as far as to tell me how I should feel and operate with my emotions. Yeah, this is where I had to practice acceptance about where they were coming from. I did ok, and then reminded them that I haven't been a minor for a very long time so unless there was some sort of time warp I wasn't aware of, they may want to zip their lips. I told you I was working on it. In process, I am. 

I'll admit this is incredibly difficult to do with those that we believe we love or have loved in the past. That connection does not give us permission to exert what we believe to be in their best interest, it just doesn't. Somewhere along the line we became so self important that our way must be the way and I want to challenge all that are reading this to step back and assess whether you are that person who believes they have a right to say how others live. I don't care how long you have lived or what you've experienced before, you have not lived the days of the person you are advising or talking about so consider accepting that they have a personal GPS that will direct them. 

Maybe they will ask for help. That will be great if they do. Then still consider asking them what they feel would be the best for them. I truly believe we all have our answers within and if we are willing to be quiet and with our own thoughts and feelings. 

So, my theory is that if we work on this with those close to us, we can begin to take it out into the world. We can then accept that when another person lives differently than we do, it is NOT a reflection on us,  nor are they asking you to do and be how they are living. If they are, send them to this blog to remind them that they have no place or need to weigh in on your life, unless invited to do so. 

As the challenge this week, perhaps when someone is acting or doing something YOU don't agree with, but is causing no harm to themselves or another, reach up and zip thy lips. Open your ears and heart and hear what they are saying. If you still can't shut your mouth, then ask for space and walk away. 

I really believe that the more we respect each others way of being, the closer we will actually be to peace. Like I said, it is a theory and you are welcome to work your own theory. I accept that. 

Minding my own business, 

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

I had the distinct pleasure of being raised by a woman who demanded we use proper grammar, read a lot and reach for the words that have more than one syllable. She also loved Wheel of Fortune and would take you down for not knowing the answer...in a fun way not a whole Mommy Dearest way. It was rare to see her without a book or two going and if I got lazy in my choice of words or expression, she would say,  "don't give me those fifty cent words, Victoria." It makes me laugh to think of her saying that now. For the record, call me Victoria and you will get the look. Only mom got away with that.

To say she instilled a love of words in me is an understatement. It wasn't until later in my intuitive development did I realize she was also teaching me to find the vibrations in words. When she implored, or ordered, me to find a new word she was showing me that while words can mean similar things they have very different feelings to them. Maybe she knew this. I don't know for sure but I like to think she did. Dianne demanded word choice but she didn't share a whole heck of a lot. Woman of mystery, you have to love it.

Words matter, energy matters...energy is matter, but it matters too. See? How fun is that? The inflection behind our words matter too,we all know that but when was the last time you took the time to feel the words you were choosing?

Ask my kids, or clients, and they will tell you that I often suggest words for them to use instead of the ones they offered. I don't do this in a know it all way, I hope, but rather in an almost automatic detection method that then spits out of my mouth. Sometimes I can control it and sometimes I can't. It is my intention to help people become aware of the vibrations in everything and how we speak, to others and especially ourselves, is extremely powerful.

Imagine my complete joy when I discovered Belief Re-patterning and it is word choice and vibration combined with emotions based. It was like home made maple walnut ice cream good to me. (That's really good for those who don't have a clue to my love of maple walnut ice cream.) To be able to combine my natural word detector with a system that will help YOU develop  yours. Utopia. That is why I am having so much fun bringing it to the Berkshires and beyond.

I had an example of the more than a word thing this last week, and really the reason I came up with this blog in the first place. All of a sudden I had this whack upside the heart that I really am a widow. Now, it's not like I'm in denial of the fact that Howard has moved on to his next adventure, but for some reason my cognitive mind could use the word, even check it on all the emergency contact forms I had to change, but it didn't fully register the implication of the word. That was being stored in the subconscious, perhaps hiding it in some kind of protection mode.  Also for the record; I still think it's not the best word but everyone understands it, until I find a new one and create a revolution!

So, when it got through my subconscious and came into my conscious mind, it created this explosion of emotion and tears. But, and here is the amazing part, once I allowed it to be in my consciousness and looked directly at it, the pressure came off of it. It didn't change my circumstance or the past year but it did allow me to move a little closer into that acceptance of where I am and that is a huge gift.

I want everyone to feel this relief. To realize we have a choice on what we do with our emotions and a lot of times this starts with how we talk to ourselves. I could have judged myself for being too emotional or a little slow on the uptake in realizing widow does really apply to me. I didn't because I had the Belief Re-patterning front loaded as I call it. I had it on board and my brain had already been shifted to know these emotions were a benefit to me and while they may be intense right now, they will subside into a gratitude of awareness.

What are some of the words you use when you talk to yourself? Are they supportive or do they involve a verbal form of a billy club that you whack yourself over the head with? Would you talk to another the way you talk to yourself?

Observe yourself this week in what words are part of your automatic vocabulary and see if you can't choose one that has a slightly higher vibration. For example; if your self talk is about not being good enough, you can recognize it, look at it and be willing to say, "Well, I am not really sure what enough is, but for this moment I can accept that I am doing the best I can with what I have at this time and that is plenty." Enough shifts to plenty. Feel that for a moment. Right? Doesn't that feel good?

If you'd like to explore this a little more, I do a class every month on the third Tuesday. You are welcome to join me as I combine the Belief Re-patterning, coaching and my word detector to help you develop your own inner coach.

I wish you the ease of talk to yourself and others this week and the fun of learning how word choice effects our lives and how it can elevate it to the supercalifragilistic level you are capable of. No, Dianne would never have taken that word as an adjective BUT she did instill the love of musicals in me as well, so I would have argued that she entered the word into play and gotten an "oh, Victoria" with a shake of her head as she tried to hide her smile.

Rocking my thesaurus,

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

With all the graduations going on now, it got me thinking. Aren't we always in a state of graduating? Isn't that the experience we call life? A series of steps that lead to another level of learning, growing, application and awareness. Sure there are specific times that are celebrated and should be like when one completes a level of education or training, but life seems to have its own graduation points. Perhaps if we viewed them this way, we wouldn't see this life thing as such a struggle.

For instance, when people come to see me because they are unsure how to handle this next step of life called retirement, I often suggest that they see it as a graduation. As something to celebrate rather than be nervous about all that time that they will have now that they don't work full time. There is another reason I suggest they see it this way; to retire means to rest or withdraw from and I just don't think this is a good way to go into what could be the most fun time of one's life. Besides, some of the people I know who have graduated are busier now then when they worked!

Think about the steps you have taken in your own life that could be seen as a graduation. What about when you decided to move away from home or when you realized the relationship you were in was not serving either of you and you called it over? Or what about the time you made the commitment to your health and started eating more organically or less chips? These are all places where you grew, learned and committed. Go you!

If we accept the idea of a graduated system, we can also appreciate the fact that we didn't get to graduate high school or an equivalent diploma without going through elementary school. Following this idea, perhaps the first time or two, or three that you attempted to eat healthy were your elementary school experience. Perhaps the friendships with people you realized weren't really friends you would like to hang out with were really the middle school field trip where you learned there was more to this world that you would like to explore.

Maybe not knowing what to do with your life and how you will traverse it is the great graduation point of all times. Accepting that we will never really know what we want to be when we grow up, because we are always growing, and learn to be in whatever experience or grade is happening at the time.

We are proud of graduates. We celebrate them. Even throw parties to commemorate the growth. Why can't we do this for every aspect of our life and learn to be appreciative of the ability to be here in this school playground? I'm not saying we have to get an award for everything we do, or a trophy just for showing up. I'm still a little old school on that one, but we can recognize when we've hit a milestone and be willing to be proud of ourselves.

This past week someone close to me said some pretty hurtful things. I'll admit, I carried it with me for a few days and it hit hard enough to draw tears. Then I remembered I have the say over whether I am hurting about another's actions. They show who they are, not me and I can continue to carry it or I can release it and know that moving forward I will know exactly how she thinks of me and graduate out of that middle school program!

What if this week you took an example from all those moving into new areas of their lives and got brave enough to explore where you are graduating now and do it with celebration?

What if....

Off to play Pomp and Circumstance,
Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

and that word is integrity. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I'm not really sure why, but it keeps popping in so I figure it is always a good thing to look at when that happens. Sort of the souls way of getting my attention. That thought that won't leave until I hear it out.

So, integrity to me is living in a way that is honest and to my best intention. It may not always reach gold star status but I go to sleep every night knowing I gave my best that day and whatever needs tweaking, I will look for ways to do so the next day. It may not meet others expectations and that is great too because I am not living in integrity if I am worrying that someone else may not like what I am doing or not doing for them.

Maybe I am a throwback to the decades before but remember when a handshake and your word was what got you credit, land, or a partner? I love that. I love that it takes work, the word grit is in the middle of it for goodness sake, to maintain it and the reward is amazing. Instant character building when you are turned down because you didn't represent well in the past. No masks to hide behind, no credit score or false compliments. The more time I spend on this planet in this lifetime, I crave this honesty.

Some have said I can be too honest with what I think and feel and yes, it can come out without any protective wrapping. I would never want to hurt someone consciously so I have been more mindful about the delivery lately, at least I hope so but don't you just love when there is compete openness and freedom to say whatever one feels with people. This has really shaped my relationships this last year. I choose to be with those that are really active in their own growth. They can move at their own pace, that is fine, but if we are only going to talk about others and what is going on outside of self, I have to be going, thanks for the invite.

Maybe that does sound harsh but ask yourself this, do you want to go to bed every night feeling like you enjoyed your day or lamenting how you will never get that hour back that someone wanted to talk about celebrities or inconsequential subjects? They mean something to you, as each of us have our own interests and I honor that, but I don't have to spend my time with you then if we don't line up. This life is here to be invested in with it's precious commodity of experiences. Shouldn't they be ones that light you up?

I spent quite a bit of my life doing what others wanted me to or being who they wanted me to be. It got me health issues and extra fluff to carry around. It also made me not such a nice person to be with because I wasn't showing how sensitive I was to what they were asking of me. To be someone other than who I am. I reacted so rather than be in that space any longer, integrity with who I am became very important which has lead to wanting the same from others. If that is too tough for those who are in my life, then well, there is the door and I wish you well and lots of ice coffee on the road.

• Is there anywhere in your life where you are not living in integrity with yourself? 
• Are their relationships that you are tolerating whether they are personal, professional or with yourself? 
• Where would you like to improve the experience of your life so you can say you are living in integrity with your own souls path?
• Does whether someone thinks highly of you matter more than what you feel about yourself? Are their feelings more important than your own? 
• Do you allow yourself to tap in and see how you feel before you commit to a date, project, conversation or volunteer action? 
• Have you had a conversation with YOU lately? 

I believe we are all contributing to an energy that is great and if we can be good with ourselves, we will have less strife and issues with others. Won't that be lovely?

What is your word? What message are you receiving lately in the form of repetitive words? Pay attention. There are great clues to your own happiness in that voice inside asking you to hear it.

Word,
Vicki

www.vickibaird.com 

Have you ever searched and searched for something, like your car keys, and can't find them anywhere only to return to the place you originally started, and there they are? I did this recently looking for a receipt. I am ridiculously organized. It is an energy thing. I work best when items have a home and are available when I need them. So, when I couldn't find a receipt that should have been in the items to be entered into quickbooks (Yes, there is a home for things before they go to their permanent home, a bit like a layover in a cross country flight.)  I was quite confused by my own doings and a bit bummed the system didn't work. I quickly got over this when my humor returned and I realized it's a receipt, Vicki, simply a receipt.

As my head works, I wondered why I got so twisted up by this experience and came to the conclusion it was because of the search not necessarily that I couldn't find the receipt. I have trust in my systems so even if the paper wasn't there, I would eventually be able to reprint it and the world would be good again. In my rushing though, I got caught up in, but, "I have to find it!"

What I forgot was we don't need to find anything; what we need is already right there. In the case of a physical objects, often they are right in front of our faces and we can't see them because the worry acts like a smoke screen making it virtually impossible to see what we were looking for in the first place. What are we so worried about? Well, that is different for everyone but most often it is the belief and false sense of security that if the external item can validate me, I am ok. If I find what I was looking for, phew, all is well with my world. If that person likes me, I must be lovable. If I make a certain amount of money, I have value.

That is a lot of pressure to place on one little receipt, car keys, savings account, boyfriend, boss and whatever else may be on the list.

What may be on your list that is offering up that tease of when you find it, you will then be happy, fit, gorgeous, rich, calm etc? There isn't anything external that is going to give you that feeling. It must come from within and while that may seem daunting, it can really be an amazing process to realize the power comes from you and that means no one can take it away nor can they offer it up. Sure, it feels good to have those things in your life and to love another, but the feeling still isn't coming from that or them, it comes from you. How cool is that?

For me it wasn't the receipt being missing it was the feeling that I had failed at something. Now, I didn't know that immediately. I had to be willing to take the time and be curious about what I was feeling in order to have the awareness that something was amiss here. Once I allowed myself to do that, the humor and acceptance returned.

So, what if you took the energy that goes into looking outside of yourself and if you must still be in the practice of "finding" something, you find you? It isn't necessary to rent a billboard to tell others you are doing it, besides, that would be looking outside of you again for validation. Instead, take a nice deep breathe in through the nose and out the mouth to center yourself, be brave and say, "what is really going on here and how can I support me in understanding what I need?"

Whatever method you use to get to know you, congratulations. Along the path, remind yourself that when you are feeling like you want to find out who you are; keep it an internal process and perhaps use this acronym First I Notice Details. Notice what it is that make you unique and be brave as you discover what can stay and what you would like to release.

This life thing doesn't come with a map as far as I have been able to tell but we do come with our own personal GPS. Use yours!

Off I go a wondering,

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

...if you've ever had a goldfish. This may seem like an odd thing to ask but there is a background to the question. After Howard passed I started really paying attention to the questions people ask and the statements made regarding his passing. Most were so lovely and caring and although "I'm sorry for your loss" became a trigger to me wanting to pop someone in the noggin...I didn't. I simply stated, he isn't lost, we weren't at the mall and can't find each other.  He knows where he is and I know he is still in my heart, and thank you.

I know it is largely because we don't know what to say so I thought I would bring a little bit of honesty, perhaps a bit bold, conversation to the subject. I realize that I deal with the subject on a daily basis in my work and over the last year, in my life, so I may have a different approach to the subject, but hear me out because when there is acceptance to this process, I do believe we will all live thoroughly before WE croak.

So, regarding the goldfish comment. I had someone say to me "I can't believe your husband passed. He was so young." Yes, relatively speaking, he was, but my first thought was, "Have you ever had a goldfish?" My point: Everything croaks. EVERYTHING. Even the single cell organism is going to fade off into the sunset at some point. Hey, we should be grateful, some insects are only here for a day and must do it all in 24 hours. There is a great book called Everyone Poops. Perhaps we should have a book that is titled Everything Croaks. (Croak is the word often used by those who have communicated with me after they passed. There is no death. Transfer of energy, sure, but no death so I won't use that term.)

Another statement I hear a lot is "was he sick?" Well, yes, he was. For three years before he croaked but how is that relevant? Because we had some sort of flag telling us that his time could be up at any point? Well, technically we did because I had a preview of his passing but We ALL have that flag. It's called being born. From the moment you are born there is a process to returning to the other side. There just is. No special formula. No one gets away from this. Some may be here longer, as to whatever their soul contract is, and some may not. It's not preferential treatment if someone is here until they are 106...that is their soul contract. A contract each of us agrees to and at some point I really hope we begin to high five those that cross before we do for they completed what they came to do.

What I came to realize in those three years was we had to live with the knowledge that he could go at any moment. I am grateful for that because it brought honesty, humor and lots of conversations about him stalking me from the other side. It also created an opening for the "what do you want, Howard?" dialogue so when it was time, I knew for certain without any question what his wishes were. That alleviated a lot of pressure knowing he made those decisions before any emergency situation. It made for some tense moments with his mother, but eh, I'm tough, I could take it...because honoring him was more important than if someone blamed me.

Now, I will be honest, I didn't have a clear knowing of how hard this after process really is. My parents had passed but I was so stressed with life when Mom did, I don't believe I processed it until much later and Dad and my relationship was distant at best. I loved him and know he loved me but beyond that, there wasn't much I was grieving. I was so relieved for him that he didn't have Alzheimer's anymore, I focused on that instead of a supposed loss in my life.

After experiencing three passings in ten months, I got a real good taste for this grieving thing. One thing I've learned is it can creep up on you and hit you when you least expect it; and that's ok. I was taking a spin class one night and a song came on that opened the flood gates. At first I was just trying to get out of the room but I knew I wasn't going to stop the tears, especially since I had two good friends in the class and the compassion in their eyes added to the tears. I have the best girlfriends ever. Anyway, I exploded. Tears, snot, heaving sobs. It was very pretty. My next thought was a bit of embarrassment but by the time I left the bathroom, still weeping, I said, "you know what? I am not going to pretend I'm not hurting. I am going to bring a bit of honesty to this process and let people see when I'm upset and if it bothers them, they will need to get over it." So, I explained to the crew that wasn't sure if I sprained something why I was crying and got the best, albeit sweaty, hugs I've ever had. Some of these sweaty people I had just met that night. Honesty brings compassion.

We have to be willing to allow the feelings to come up and out. If we don't, we will be creating issues in our own tissues. I'll admit, I can be a pretty stoic person but that is because I hurt so bad when others hurt that I learned to sort of bottle it. Well, this process has uncorked that and I am actually grateful. Hey, I started crying one time in the store because I automatically reached for the tea Howard liked but I didn't. I didn't need to buy it but some muscle memory had me reaching for it and then the smack in the heart when I realized I didn't need it. One never knows what will open it, but be grateful it is open for a closed heart is a very sad thing.

While it is true everything expires physically, those that are here after the person passes will have to do their process. Let's have some compassion and patience for that.

Often I have heard, call me when you need to talk or are crying. Well, no, that is not going to happen. At least for me it won't. See above accounting of how I cry. It ain't pretty and I can't dial the phone at the time. I have to collapse, let it all out and then get back up again. I have to. I promised him. So, when you have someone in your life going through this, please don't expect them to be the ones to call. They may not be able to and that is ok because whatever they are going through is not about you and your desire to help. It may just be about them trying to stand up that day and make it through the day.

Finally, I know everyone really does mean well and to the person who said she understood because her pet passed and that was traumatic...I am sure it was and I'm sorry that happened. See? Growth...I didn't punch her! I am not a violent person but sometimes when finding a balance between understanding the souls process and honoring those who have crossed and dealing with my own humanness, I dream a little dream.

May I offer a statement that some of my fellow friends who have walked this path themselves and I have seen walk it this year agree on? When appropriate, like in the receiving line or grocery store or wherever you happen to meet up after the goldfish, pet, spouse, child, parent, partner, etc passes offer up a "Well, this sucks" or the equivalent in your own language. Get honest. Be willing to be so bold as to say " I have no words and that is ok." Let's change it from "sorry for your loss" to the honesty of everyone passes and this is what happened and I acknowledge it stinks. I promise you, the person is going to be oh, so thankful you were authentic and didn't give a platitude and you will feel good because, well, honesty feels good.

I truly believe when we look this whole expiration process openly, we will begin to live lives that are fulfilling, honoring and accepting of the idea we all croak. We will then see that every day really is a gift and perhaps fill it with love, humor and an occasional threat of stalking once we've crossed. Perhaps that is one of the reasons I have gone through it now, to bring the open conversation idea with very little editing on my part. I'll understand if we need to part ways because my honesty may be too difficult to read and I'll wish you well. I won't, however, pretend anymore that whomever is lucky enough to pass has been jipped of a life or that their passing is somehow permission for us to be continuous sad sacks (I learned this term this month and ironically, it makes me giggle to say it. Healing comes in many ways.).

Please stretch yourself and see the gift in the life process. Be honest about your emotions, let them flow, and move on. Your loved one did and isn't that amazing?

No edit button anymore and I am liking it,
Vicki

www.vickibaird.com