Following my own advice in the last blog, I have been specializing in self-care. I think it is very important to do your research and to be able to know how challenging AND rewarding something is if you are going to offer it for advice. Kind of like trying a recipe before you serve it to guests.

This week I had a massage, went to bed every night around ten pm and had an advanced craniosacral session on Thursday. I also worked out and then was nice to myself when I didn’t want to work out one afternoon. I did vacuum the house and considered that a workout though. Shouldn’t it be considered a workout? I think so!

While I was doing all of these things, I had to deal with the chatterbox in my head that kept saying, who do you think you are indulging in this care? Don’t you think you should pay down a bill, invest the money or adopt an elephant through one of those programs? Even after all the processing and work and inventory I have done on myself, this voice still comes up from time to time. So I did what I do when that inner critic shows up, I talked nicely to it and suggested it take a nap!

Why is it so hard for us to take care of us? Where is the off switch to that programming? I have found the pause button but the off seems elusive. The Belief Re-patterning has definitely helped in that area and more and the rest is ok because it keeps me honest and intentional about my connection to me.

Do you have that voice inside that wants to keep you stuck in old patterns? The one that thinks it is giving the best advice, but it really isn’t? This is the inner critic or gremlin as I like to call it from time to time. The inner critic is an aspect of us that I believe has been taught. None of us as a soul came in with a self-deprecating, sabotaging voice. We learned it through well-meaning people and sometimes, not so well-meaning, but from outside sources none the less. Isn’t it about time that we start to be in charge of the voices in our head?

There is a new movie out called Inside Out that speaks to the idea of the voices in our head. I can’t wait to see it because intuitively, I feel it is going to be amazing. I am so grateful we can talk about the voices in our heads and not be seen as a psychiatric issue but rather a fully diverse and sometimes complex human.

The inner critic has a co-worker that is often referred to as the inner coach or the supportive voice. On a daily basis I ask myself which one do I want to support, the unsupported or the supportive?  I figure if I put a bra on every day to support my gals, my voice may as well be supportive too! (Sorry for the visual on that one but I thought it was a funny metaphor.)

Which voice do you listen to? How do you practice self-care when it comes to your inner dialogue? What if, for today, you decided to support the supportive side of communicating with self? No one else is going to be able to hear you talking nicely to yourself. They may recognize that your face looks softer, your eyes are happy and your vibration is amazing, but hear inside your head? No, you are good on that one.

Give it a try would you? For today’s self-care, say something that you believe to be true and that can help you support an amazing life to be part of. If it is challenging to come up with something, lead with the phrase “I am learning..”. Suze Casey, developer of Belief Re-patterning, introduced me to this concept and I use it A LOT!  So if:

• I love myself is difficult to say…. I am learning to love myself may be more accepting.
• I am organized and life flows around me….I am learning to be organized and am excited to see life flow as a result.
• I have talents galore…..I am learning to see my many talents.

You get the point. It is a way to ease yourself into self care and to learn the communication style that will not only support you but give you a whole new way of seeing self. I truly believe if we learn to like ourselves, it will go out exponentially and effect the rest of the universe.

I believe in you and I know life does too. Join us in believing in yourself too, won’t you?

Having conversations in my head and laughing out loud,

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

If I asked you when was the last time you practiced any self care was, would you be able to answer me? Would you even be able to identify what the self care would look or sound like?

For years people would ask me if I was practicing self care and I would say, yes, of course I am. I brush my teeth, I get over six hours of sleep at night and I occasionally take myself for a walk. I recognize now these are all a survival thing not necessarily self care. I'll be honest and say I thought it was all a bit of  hooey. Being raised in an environment where feelings were not discussed and you just dealt with things yourself, the idea of talking about taking care of myself was foreign enough without actually doing it. Then I hit the mother of all walls. Owning a business, raising family, husband illness and home renovation. If you want to plan a meltdown, that combination will do it.  Then the self care concept became, hmmmm, maybe people are on to something. 

I'd rather you not have to experience the level of stress I did to get to the place of understanding what self care is and then learn to apply it. 

One way to tell if you are not practicing taking care of you is to see where your shoulders are right now. Are they so far up they look like a new form of earring? Is your stomach in a knot? Is your head so busy the stock exchange ticker tape looks tame in comparison? Do you have a recent diagnosis from the medical profession that doesn't thrill you?

Any of these can be an example of holding the stress of everyday life in your body and an indication a little observation and a plan are necessary.  

One of the things I used to let get in my way was the idea that "if I don't do it, no one will."  Sound familiar? Over burdening myself in the attempt to get an Oscar or some kind of award after I croak is what I see it as now. It was an impressive line to tell myself but it wasn't true. Which is often the case for any of our excuses. Other people, family members, business associates, hired professionals or friends could absolutely handle whatever it is I thought I was the only one who could. The need to be needed can be annoying can't it? 

I'm here to tell you that if you have any of the symptoms above or any others that may manifest in your life, then you need you more than you need any fake award for martyrdom. Besides, who wants something else to dust?

For this weeks call to action, how about you take five short minutes and ask yourself what would I really like right now? What would fill my emotional gas tank and help me lower my shoulders to where my skeletal system believes they belong?  Would a massage, a bike ride, a coffee date with a friend, a hike in the woods, a good book in a hammock or singing at the top of my lungs in the car or living room fill me up? What would do it?

Be honest about needing care and then do something to fulfill it. Your body will thank you and so will those around you. I promise you, there is no award for suffering and the only payoff is illness, so does it make sense to keep doing it?

I wish you the best in creating your care plan. If you could use help, give me a call, I created the Self Care Package for just these reasons. 

Take care of you and life will too. 

Caring for self, 

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

Be still, do nothing, accept stillness and say ahhhhhhhh. As I was preparing to write my blog for today I felt my inner whiner showing up. It didn't want to wax poetic or say something brilliant, it wanted to stare off into space or read someone else's brilliance. It wanted to take a nap or get a snack. Anything but what I was asking it to do.

So, I am going to allow it to do just that. I am going to ask that you allow yourself to listen to that voice inside you that encourages the same. To be easy with self. To have unscheduled time. To be present to the sights, sounds and experience of this life. To realize that this moment is NEVER coming around again and you can either choose to be in it or you can be thinking about what you will do later when you aren't present then either.

I figure if I listen to the part of me that is talking, we won't get to the whining stage, which is never attractive or supportive anyway, so I won't miss it in time. Whining is necessary from our system when we aren't listening to the inner voice that says, wouldn't it be nice to appreciate the home you have, rather than always be tied up tight making it clean and inviting? Wouldn't it be nice to sit with family and friends and really enjoy them?  I did this yesterday and you know what? The world kept spinning, clients were fine waiting to hear back from me and the laundry waited until today to be washed. Amazing, isn't it?

So, at some point this week, hopefully today, give yourself the gift of being wherever you are, put down the phone or computer, turn off any noise surrounding you and connect with the breath that is within. There is your life force energy, your center and the real being you came to be. Get to know that person. You will like them, I promise. Reset that relationship with you and as a result, those around you. Be in this world. Come on in, the water is so nice.

Hugging and accepting my human be-ing,

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

Someone said to me the other day that they love me unconditionally and it made me pause. I, like you, have heard this phrase my whole life and didn't give it much thought until recently. I appreciated the comment but my first response was how? How can you love me unconditionally? Is that even possible? You love the version of me you have in your mind, but without condition? Not buying it.

I used to think I was a terrible parent because I know I don't love my kids unconditionally. I love them and their individuality and even their opinions when they don't line up with mine, but unconditionally, nope. How could I? I have years, even decades, of experience behind me with all the comparisons that are inherently human. I have the memories of frustration, joy, appreciation and excuse me, but the teen years are still very vivid in my mind even when it's not what I dwell on.

I don't believe my parents loved me unconditionally either. I am number seven of eight children and was as independent as they come. I know they were frustrated by my questioning how things were in the house and the know it allness that came naturally to me. I know they loved me but it wasn't unconditional. They expected us to behave. They demanded respect of elders and they insisted we clean our rooms and you know what? I believe I turned out ok for it.

I had a boss very early in my professional life that told us in a meeting that everyone is dispensable. That every employee at the business could be replaced and quickly if necessary. I remember thanking him after that conversation. He was a bit perplexed by my appreciation. I told him I appreciated him saying that because it meant that I wouldn't work to please him, I would work because it meant something to me. Now, I didn't realize at the time that this was an amazingly powerful moment but I do now and it affirms my belief that we can't love unconditionally.

I'm not suggesting this to question any love you have for someone but more to bring relief if you've wondered the same thing. Wouldn't it be a relief to love someone because you love them but lose that whole, you can do anything and I'll still love you, pressure? Imagine how nice it would be to be able to say, no, I don't love you unconditionally and that is ok. It is dependent on how we interact together and that is based on wiring and our brains loving comparison.

Think of the other side of that too. If you knew you weren't loved supposedly unconditionally, wouldn't you strive to be the best you that is possible? Would you take the energy saved from the  pressure off and learn to love you?  What if some of the kids, partners or employees knew that they may not be loved and accepted regardless of their actions. I believe, and this is my humble opinion, that we would have less entitlement and more effort if we got honest.

I have said to my kids, I love you but I am not liking you right now, and I know that is a condition so let's call it what it is, shall we? Even pets will give you an attitude if they don't get what they want or expect from you so that unconditional love you think you're getting, just hold back the treats and see what happens. Conditions.

Be willing this week to recognize you have conditions and be ok with that. Be accepting of your lovely self and get honest.

Conditional and excited about that,

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

Say what? Do I OP and then UD? Speak English Vicki!

Ok, I will.

Do you Over Promise and then Under Deliver?  Perhaps you know right off the bat whether you do this or not. If you don't, here are some questions you could ask to see if this is the case for you? 

• Do you find yourself committing to things and promising that you'll get them done and then not completing them?
• Do you overstate your capabilities and then scramble to try to catch up to what you've promised?
• Do you find yourself committing and saying you'll get something done simply because you don't want to have a conversation about not doing it?
• Is there any part of you that agrees to the over extension of self so that it doesn't disappoint others? (This is a trick question. It is not possible to disappoint other people. What they feel is up to them. You're only responsible for your actions and feelings.)
• Do you overestimate how much can be done in a 24 hour time frame? Sleep is important you know.

By now you get the point. It is so common in our society to agree to do something even when we do not feel like we want to participate. I have found myself in a similar situations many times in the past. I made a commitment to myself a year ago to only say yes to invitations I truly wanted to attend. This can be a meeting, birthday party, a collaboration, or an invitation to hang out. There are endless situations it can be. The important part is being connected to self enough that you recognize when you're agreeing simply to agree and to not make waves. Go authentically or don't go at all. 

When we over promise and under deliver it serves no one. We often feel like we are adding more stress to life, leading to resentment and a good old fashioned pity party. The other person can feel that they weren't heard, that they were lied to, or that you are untrustworthy. Neither side benefits in an interaction like this.  

Besides, don't you know when another person is handing you a line of hooey? Can't you tell when they haven't completed the job or task, called the person they said they would, or researched the information they promised to get to? Of course you can. People aren't as good of poker players as they like to think they are. I don't know about you, but I find it very frustrating to work, live, hang out with someone who isn't present and someone who is over promising to the point of distraction, can't be present. 

I'm going to suggest we do something radical. What if we were honest about what we could manage in a time frame and committed to that? What if we decided to stop bs'ing ourselves and others and say honestly no, I didn't get that done. No, that is not going to be possible in that time frame. No thank you, I really do not intend to volunteer for one more committee. Goodness, thank you for asking, but I would rather not be the matron of honor at your dog's wedding. Hey, it could happen. 

What if, we stopped long enough to ask ourselves what we would like to say in response and hold our space of authenticity and respect for the other person? What if we believed the world was not going to end if we didn't overextend ourselves? I'm telling you, we would have more time for fun if we stopped dancing around subjects. 

It is a very freeing feeling to be so truthful with self that you're able to tap in at a moment's request and respond appropriately. When you know what your guidelines are in life and what matters to you, the gift is being centered and very sure of your yes's and no thank you's. When here, you can determine if the opportunity being presented is one that a little scrambling would pay off and feel exhilarating and so worth it! Or if it doesn't feel good, you can step away from the over promise because you will surely under deliver in an attempt to find balance. 

I recognize that one tendency of over promising is to avoid spending time with self, but that is another whole blog post! For now I will suggest you look at that and see if there is any truth to it and then realize wherever you go, you go so spending time with you is already happening! 

Take into considerations the requests of your time this week and be conscious about how you are answering the requests. Realizing that some are going to be things that may have to be done and that is fine, but what about the ones where you are giving yourself away and not listening to that voice inside that says you don't want to. The excuse of I don't have time is just that, an excuse, when you look at your commitments and weed out the ones that don't light you up. 

Be kind to you when you do this and realize it is a lifelong process of balance and you WILL get it. :)

Easily applying the words no thank you,

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

Are you ready to get off this roller coaster? I know I am.  I am one who often says, don't blame the energy for your issue, but mama mia the last two weeks have me using every tool I can think of to keep the mouth under wraps. Not only do I have a quick wit, I can have a very quick and sharp tongue too. I have worked on myself diligently in the last decade to use the wit and not the sarcasm so it has been a great measure of how well I am doing. So far, so good but a deserted island for the next two days would be a good thing!

Granted we have had a busy two weeks and a few family challenges to deal with. Anyone out there have an adult child move home....you know of what I speak. I adore my daughter and it is fun to have her here but the rearranging of two households while working full time and squeezing in walks with the dog, a customer service issue with the business and training rides on the bike (whose idea was a triathlon relay team anyway? Oh, mine, crap.) have taken my naturally good nature and mixed in the amazingly challenging energy of universe to create a shorter fuse than I am accustomed to. This is life, I get that and give me five minutes and I can find the humor in just about anything.

For instance, in the midst of all of this, someone decided to take letters off my name on the sign in our building. The first time I saw it the downstairs sign read icki Baird. I laughed at it and didn't pay too much mind to it except to contact my landlord and say I needed to buy a consonant. I appreciated the creativity of seeing icki in my name and using it. To be honest, in forty five years, it never occurred to me. THAT was even funnier to me.

The next day I walk into my building and don't pay much attention to the sign but when I get to my office a building mate says to me, "did you see there is now an "a" missing from your last name?" I looked at her with a what are you talking about face and then in hit me, I was now icki Bird. I still thought it was funny and called the landlord's office to say, better send a vowel too. It wasn't until I went to get lunch (highly recommend the Dawn's Delight salad at Baba Louie's) that I realized the sign UPSTAIRS was gouged out too. Not scratched out or played with, but gouged out.

It got real then. Vicki Baird was known in the building as Icki Bird.  Well, this Icki Bird has had enough. There is only so much pressurized energy a person can take and for me, defacing my landlord's property while trying to make a point that you didn't get your way was one too many things for me tolerate. I decided then that my being angry was totally ok. I tell people all the time that all emotions are valid but I hadn't let myself have them. I harnessed the moment (because my anger passes so quickly, there is rarely a benefit to the charge) and made sure there was video, contacted the police and called the landlord's office AGAIN.

Someone may use their anger to try to hurt us but what we do with it is up to us. I could have taken the road of holding the anger and confronting the person (yup, we know who it is) and justified my own anger with words, but appropriate action and boundaries are enough. I also printed out my name on paper and put it over the defaced property. Claim and clear the space again. I had to work quickly because the humor was coming back again and I could see that it was not against me but rather a reflection of the other person's inner angst and there was nothing I could do with that.

Perhaps someone does think I am an Icki Bird, but that is none of my damn business. They can. It is still a free country. What I believe about myself is much more important and where I want to put my attention.

So, the moral of this story? Hang in there, the energy is shifting in two days and if someone is willing to rename you, check in and see if it resonates before ordering your new sign!

I think I'll keep Vicki, it seems to fit,

Vicki

www.vickibaird.com

One of the things that is certain is, you will not get out of this lifetime without having some type of relationship. Lately I have been paying attention to the relationships in my life and deciding which ones I want to invest my energy on. I think it's healthy to do this periodically as we change, others change and why hang onto one that is not serving.

 

As I was doing my evaluation of self and asking where I might improve in my relationship with others, I found myself creating questions regarding what type of relationships I had. It stands to reason that with each relationship there would be different dynamics. For instance the relationship with your spouse, will have different elements than a relationship with a friend, or at least it had better or the relationship with your spouse will not last! Due to the variables in all of us, how we interact with each person and their variables can be vastly different. 

 

When our kids were growing up, and sometimes now even as adults, I have had to remind them that I wasn't their buddy, dude, homie or girl, I was Mom (Vic) and they would be wise to remember that when talking with me. Being aware of the guidelines in a relationship can mean all the success in the world. 

 

During my self assessment I came up with three areas that I thought were pretty smart and would help me decide how to identify where a relationship stood. I asked myself if it was:

Co-dependent- did either of us depend on the other to be in their life as if it was a lifeline? Similar to that whole "you complete me" bologna. Assessing if I was the person needing to be needed and if that gave me identity or if the other person was clinging and I was done carrying their energy. This type of relationship can be very draining for both parties. 

 

Co-existent- are we in each others life due to obligation, guilt or "have to"? Are either one of us too chicken to say, hey, this isn't what I want right now. Have we decided we are tolerating each other because we share some DNA? Is the other person done with me and I know it but don't want to be the one to mention it?  (This is rare, I will mention it, wish them well and relieve them of my presence.) This type is also draining until a conversation is had and then it can shift to nourishing. 

Co-Operative- This one is my favorite. Are we two individuals that accept each other for who we are, in all our greatness, and choose to be in each others life? This is the type of relationship that fills you up, not depletes you. Can we say ANYTHING to the other and have it be received as it is intended without reading anything into it? Can we trust that this person will not hold back if you are wearing something hideous, have said something insensitive, or are not being supportive to yourself? 

I am very blessed to have quite a few of the last category in my life. I like to think it is because I am willing to see my stuff and take responsibility for whatever I may have done when not in my most shining moments. I also hope that as the years go by, I learn how to be more of that person in the relationship that thinks of the other and offers compassion, humor and an occasional, are you really going to wear that? It takes a lot of courage to co-operate with me. :)

What type of relationships are you cultivating in your life? What kind of relationship do you have with self?  After all, this is the most important relationship we can have. Are you willing to put a little time into assessing the way you interact with the world and kick it up a notch where it feels like you may be living in the first two categories? I hope you are. 

Co-living on this wonderful Earth we have, 

Vicki

 

www.vickibaird.com

If you are from New England, you are very familiar with rotaries. Also referred to as roundabout or traffic circle. We seem to be very proud of our rotaries in this part of the country. Have you ever been to Cape Cod? Goodness, I got dizzy just navigating from one end to the other.

I understand the premise of a traffic circle, which is to get the traffic that is flowing through a neighborhood to slow down and behave in an orderly fashion. What I don't get is why one would install one in their own life. We do it though. We are engineers of our own confusion. We install habits that make roundabouts make sense!

The rotary's of life can be something like dating the same type of person over and over again or paying off debt only to go back into it. Perhaps you have lost weight and gained it and lost it again. Traffic circle. One stinking confusing pattern after another. I know I have seen them in myself and wondered who the heck gave me the license to drive this life anyway? One of my greatest roundabouts was taking care of people and making excuses for their behaviors. Oh yeah. If you are going to build a circle in the middle of your life, you ought to build a darn good one like that.

For years I would justify why someone was acting like a putz. Now, I accept that some do and it is my choice to go around and around with them or to take the off ramp and go my own way. Most often I choose to go my own way; straight. Circles make me dizzy. To be clear, my going around while others showed me exactly who they were wasn't helping them either. Each time I took a turn around the circle and allowed their behavior, I was reinforcing to them that it was ok to treat me that way and it was ok for them to stall out on their own growth and accountability.

I'm not even sure when I decided that behavior wasn't how I wanted to travel any longer but I am glad I did. I know the supportive tools I have accumulated like self awareness and Belief Re-patterning have helped exponentially. Now when I travel this life road, rotaries are just that, a way to get around a neighborhood at a slightly slower speed, safely to the other side.

• What habits do you have in your life that are taking you around in circles, making you dizzy and past neighborhoods you have seen time and time again? 
• What have you heard yourself say over and over again that you were not going to do again? 
• Where in your life could you use a new traffic study and a whole new map to travel? 

While the slowing down to look is an integral part of the roundabout, I do believe we can do that even when the road stays straight or veers slightly to one side or the other. We are so capable of moving forward in an orderly manner and creating a flow with our lives that is supportive of all aspects of growth, once we realize that the way we have been traveling was nothing but a way to distract us from wanting more clarity and joy in our lives. We do that. We create diversions, drama and distractions. Aren't we cute as a species? 

Be the brave ones. Be willing to go straight and to save detours for when summer season descends on your cute little New England town! Leave the rotaries to those who aren't sure they can slow down and look at their life on their own without a little help. 

Renewing my license for life,
Vicki

www.vickibaird.com