Someone said to me the other day that they love me unconditionally and it made me pause. I, like you, have heard this phrase my whole life and didn't give it much thought until recently. I appreciated the comment but my first response was how? How can you love me unconditionally? Is that even possible? You love the version of me you have in your mind, but without condition? Not buying it.
I used to think I was a terrible parent because I know I don't love my kids unconditionally. I love them and their individuality and even their opinions when they don't line up with mine, but unconditionally, nope. How could I? I have years, even decades, of experience behind me with all the comparisons that are inherently human. I have the memories of frustration, joy, appreciation and excuse me, but the teen years are still very vivid in my mind even when it's not what I dwell on.
I don't believe my parents loved me unconditionally either. I am number seven of eight children and was as independent as they come. I know they were frustrated by my questioning how things were in the house and the know it allness that came naturally to me. I know they loved me but it wasn't unconditional. They expected us to behave. They demanded respect of elders and they insisted we clean our rooms and you know what? I believe I turned out ok for it.
I had a boss very early in my professional life that told us in a meeting that everyone is dispensable. That every employee at the business could be replaced and quickly if necessary. I remember thanking him after that conversation. He was a bit perplexed by my appreciation. I told him I appreciated him saying that because it meant that I wouldn't work to please him, I would work because it meant something to me. Now, I didn't realize at the time that this was an amazingly powerful moment but I do now and it affirms my belief that we can't love unconditionally.
I'm not suggesting this to question any love you have for someone but more to bring relief if you've wondered the same thing. Wouldn't it be a relief to love someone because you love them but lose that whole, you can do anything and I'll still love you, pressure? Imagine how nice it would be to be able to say, no, I don't love you unconditionally and that is ok. It is dependent on how we interact together and that is based on wiring and our brains loving comparison.
Think of the other side of that too. If you knew you weren't loved supposedly unconditionally, wouldn't you strive to be the best you that is possible? Would you take the energy saved from the pressure off and learn to love you? What if some of the kids, partners or employees knew that they may not be loved and accepted regardless of their actions. I believe, and this is my humble opinion, that we would have less entitlement and more effort if we got honest.
I have said to my kids, I love you but I am not liking you right now, and I know that is a condition so let's call it what it is, shall we? Even pets will give you an attitude if they don't get what they want or expect from you so that unconditional love you think you're getting, just hold back the treats and see what happens. Conditions.
Be willing this week to recognize you have conditions and be ok with that. Be accepting of your lovely self and get honest.
Conditional and excited about that,
Vicki
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