I know it is largely because we don't know what to say so I thought I would bring a little bit of honesty, perhaps a bit bold, conversation to the subject. I realize that I deal with the subject on a daily basis in my work and over the last year, in my life, so I may have a different approach to the subject, but hear me out because when there is acceptance to this process, I do believe we will all live thoroughly before WE croak.
So, regarding the goldfish comment. I had someone say to me "I can't believe your husband passed. He was so young." Yes, relatively speaking, he was, but my first thought was, "Have you ever had a goldfish?" My point: Everything croaks. EVERYTHING. Even the single cell organism is going to fade off into the sunset at some point. Hey, we should be grateful, some insects are only here for a day and must do it all in 24 hours. There is a great book called Everyone Poops. Perhaps we should have a book that is titled Everything Croaks. (Croak is the word often used by those who have communicated with me after they passed. There is no death. Transfer of energy, sure, but no death so I won't use that term.)
Another statement I hear a lot is "was he sick?" Well, yes, he was. For three years before he croaked but how is that relevant? Because we had some sort of flag telling us that his time could be up at any point? Well, technically we did because I had a preview of his passing but We ALL have that flag. It's called being born. From the moment you are born there is a process to returning to the other side. There just is. No special formula. No one gets away from this. Some may be here longer, as to whatever their soul contract is, and some may not. It's not preferential treatment if someone is here until they are 106...that is their soul contract. A contract each of us agrees to and at some point I really hope we begin to high five those that cross before we do for they completed what they came to do.
What I came to realize in those three years was we had to live with the knowledge that he could go at any moment. I am grateful for that because it brought honesty, humor and lots of conversations about him stalking me from the other side. It also created an opening for the "what do you want, Howard?" dialogue so when it was time, I knew for certain without any question what his wishes were. That alleviated a lot of pressure knowing he made those decisions before any emergency situation. It made for some tense moments with his mother, but eh, I'm tough, I could take it...because honoring him was more important than if someone blamed me.
Now, I will be honest, I didn't have a clear knowing of how hard this after process really is. My parents had passed but I was so stressed with life when Mom did, I don't believe I processed it until much later and Dad and my relationship was distant at best. I loved him and know he loved me but beyond that, there wasn't much I was grieving. I was so relieved for him that he didn't have Alzheimer's anymore, I focused on that instead of a supposed loss in my life.
After experiencing three passings in ten months, I got a real good taste for this grieving thing. One thing I've learned is it can creep up on you and hit you when you least expect it; and that's ok. I was taking a spin class one night and a song came on that opened the flood gates. At first I was just trying to get out of the room but I knew I wasn't going to stop the tears, especially since I had two good friends in the class and the compassion in their eyes added to the tears. I have the best girlfriends ever. Anyway, I exploded. Tears, snot, heaving sobs. It was very pretty. My next thought was a bit of embarrassment but by the time I left the bathroom, still weeping, I said, "you know what? I am not going to pretend I'm not hurting. I am going to bring a bit of honesty to this process and let people see when I'm upset and if it bothers them, they will need to get over it." So, I explained to the crew that wasn't sure if I sprained something why I was crying and got the best, albeit sweaty, hugs I've ever had. Some of these sweaty people I had just met that night. Honesty brings compassion.
We have to be willing to allow the feelings to come up and out. If we don't, we will be creating issues in our own tissues. I'll admit, I can be a pretty stoic person but that is because I hurt so bad when others hurt that I learned to sort of bottle it. Well, this process has uncorked that and I am actually grateful. Hey, I started crying one time in the store because I automatically reached for the tea Howard liked but I didn't. I didn't need to buy it but some muscle memory had me reaching for it and then the smack in the heart when I realized I didn't need it. One never knows what will open it, but be grateful it is open for a closed heart is a very sad thing.
While it is true everything expires physically, those that are here after the person passes will have to do their process. Let's have some compassion and patience for that.
Often I have heard, call me when you need to talk or are crying. Well, no, that is not going to happen. At least for me it won't. See above accounting of how I cry. It ain't pretty and I can't dial the phone at the time. I have to collapse, let it all out and then get back up again. I have to. I promised him. So, when you have someone in your life going through this, please don't expect them to be the ones to call. They may not be able to and that is ok because whatever they are going through is not about you and your desire to help. It may just be about them trying to stand up that day and make it through the day.
Finally, I know everyone really does mean well and to the person who said she understood because her pet passed and that was traumatic...I am sure it was and I'm sorry that happened. See? Growth...I didn't punch her! I am not a violent person but sometimes when finding a balance between understanding the souls process and honoring those who have crossed and dealing with my own humanness, I dream a little dream.
May I offer a statement that some of my fellow friends who have walked this path themselves and I have seen walk it this year agree on? When appropriate, like in the receiving line or grocery store or wherever you happen to meet up after the goldfish, pet, spouse, child, parent, partner, etc passes offer up a "Well, this sucks" or the equivalent in your own language. Get honest. Be willing to be so bold as to say " I have no words and that is ok." Let's change it from "sorry for your loss" to the honesty of everyone passes and this is what happened and I acknowledge it stinks. I promise you, the person is going to be oh, so thankful you were authentic and didn't give a platitude and you will feel good because, well, honesty feels good.
I truly believe when we look this whole expiration process openly, we will begin to live lives that are fulfilling, honoring and accepting of the idea we all croak. We will then see that every day really is a gift and perhaps fill it with love, humor and an occasional threat of stalking once we've crossed. Perhaps that is one of the reasons I have gone through it now, to bring the open conversation idea with very little editing on my part. I'll understand if we need to part ways because my honesty may be too difficult to read and I'll wish you well. I won't, however, pretend anymore that whomever is lucky enough to pass has been jipped of a life or that their passing is somehow permission for us to be continuous sad sacks (I learned this term this month and ironically, it makes me giggle to say it. Healing comes in many ways.).
Please stretch yourself and see the gift in the life process. Be honest about your emotions, let them flow, and move on. Your loved one did and isn't that amazing?
No edit button anymore and I am liking it,
Vicki
www.vickibaird.com
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