Alone or lonely? There is a difference.

There is a difference between being alone and loneliness although our language teaching does not always convey it well. So often clients will say to me that they don't want to be alone. I feel a natural desire to ask if they know the difference between being alone and loneliness. To be alone is a glorious part of being human. It is where you get to know who you are and you get to assess who it is you would like to be. It is a gift that we get in coming into this world as an individual. No one else like you. Even if you are an identical twin, you have your own likes and dislikes. THAT is amazing! There is not another creature that is you. Something I am sure my mother was very grateful for as two Vicki's may have done the woman in!

Solitude, another great word, is the state of being alone without being lonely. You see, I believe what people are really trying to say to me is they don't want to be lonely. Lonely has a vibration of a deficit to me and since I feel words, the difference in the vibration of lonely and alone is fascinating to me. Lonely almost always has a feeling of missing something, someone, some emotion. The person is most missing themselves in my humble opinion. At some point along the line, they have given their happiness or power over to another completing them or filling a void they feel and this has led to that deficit.

I feel if more people were able to delineate between the feelings of deficit and desire, they would find walking this path a bit easier. When there is a deficit, a hole or something that feels like it's missing, a natural desire is to fill it up. I am sure you know someone, or are that someone perhaps, that moves from one relationship to another without ever really taking a break in between. The loneliness drives the need to fill that perceived hole with either another relationship or with other means.

On the other hand, when there is a knowing that no one can fill us up, that it is our job to do that and no one else's, we can get to the place of realizing that alone is amazing and that space is what we are really desiring. Alone is where the messages are heard, the desires can grow and a true sense of self can be developed. Without some alone time the battery does not recharge and alignment with self is really challenging. It is like listening to music with ear buds constantly and never removing the noise. How would you hear anything else? How could you hear that you actually LIKE your own company or that you had an original idea if there isn't some space for that to get in.

From a very young age we are encouraged to pair up, like this is some kind of ark or something. Perhaps in a much earlier time this was necessary for the survival of the species, but I am pretty sure that is not the case any longer, so ease up people. Date yourself. Do the work that helps you to know who you are and be good with that and THEN pair up. For goodness sake, don't do it before you know the difference between alone and lonely for you may be the one looking to fill someone else's deficit and that never works out well.

If you are already in a relationship, that is great, keep it up but do it in a healthy way where each of you have your own interests, there is room for the other to grow and an encouragement to feel fulfilled in every aspect of life. It has been my experience that the greatest sense of loneliness is being with those that you do not want to be with or who don't want to be with you and while the later part of that statement may be hard to hear, if you take the time to be good with alone, you will recognize that as a gift too. When you have taken the time to cultivate self, someone saying they no longer wish to be with you may initially sting, but you will eventually see the beauty in it because someone believed that you could be alone and be ok....now can you?

Do yourself a favor and get so good at being alone that loneliness is no longer a word in your dictionary. Contrary to what it sounds like, when one is good at being alone, they are a lot of fun to be with. The energy is clean and the relationship is authentic. Don't you want to be the example of that? I know I do.

What will you do today that encourages your strength of alone and your willingness to see to all the places that may require filling? For instance my favorite thing at the moment is bike riding. I have had offers from awesome people to take rides and I am sure one day I will, but for now, I ride solo loving the alone time and affirming that yup, I've got this ride of life. Bring it on!

Quite comfy being alone with my thoughts,
Vicki